Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream
by charity236
Summary: Finally, Chapter 5 (Part One) is up! Link and the gang have to get over a giant mountain... Feat. peoples from LOTR and Harry Potter! Wanted: Authors for Chap. 7!
1. Prologue: A Drunk's Dream Begins

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream   
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. I only created Author and a few other characters, and Noodles is my kitty - mine, ALL MINE! All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I am not trying to pay out any of the real people in this fanfic (except a few certain people I will not mention at this point in time, for fear of plot-ruining).  
  
Quick Notes:   
  
This is quite possibly the funniest (not to mention WEIRDEST) fanfic I have ever written.  
  
After a night out at the local pub (it's a bar for those who aren't Aussie), Link falls unconscious - and finds himself stuck in a really weird dream. With people who really tick him off, really help him, and/or really don't do anything at all. Really helpful, eh?  
  
The afore-mentioned "people" are mostly celebrities that you might have heard of. Some are Australian, so you might not know of them. Anyway, every chapter at least three people get dragged into the story, and Link has to persuade them to help him find the "mysterious hut". But obviously there are LOTS of obstacles in the way...  
  
Rating will almost certainly go up to PG-13 by Chapter 2, because of a lot of swearing, a bit of violence, what-have-you. Just a warning.  
  
UPDATE Friday 19th September 2003: Due to my working on... other... Zelda fanfics for Author Chronicles, and very limited internet time, I will not update One Really Weird Dream again until I get some more reviews. Besides, I haven't quite completed the next chapter. So get reviewing, peoples!  
  
PS: The "other" Author Chronicles fanfics that I am working on have NOT been mentioned in the Fanfic Tree below, because they have something to do with The End... darn, said too much... you better forget I said that!  
  
  
  
Author Chronicles Fanfic Tree  
  
This mini-feature is to remind people what stage of the Author Chronicles we are in. Basically a series-part tree.  
  
1. Return to Hyrule  
  
2. The Magic Link: Philosopher's Stone (crossover with Harry Potter; just released)  
  
3. ???? (yet to be released; a Link-insert-into-my-life fic)  
  
4. ???? (yet to be released; something to do with Redwall, particularly The Taggerung)  
  
5. ???? (yet to be released; something to do with Neopets)  
  
6. ???? (yet to be released; something to do with Pokémon)  
  
7. One Really Weird Dream - the fanfic you are currently reading  
  
8. ???? (yet to be released; another Link-insert-into-my-life fic)  
  
9. ???? (yet to be released; an A/U fic)  
  
No more series-part hints until either Return to Hyrule is finished or I get bored and post some more hints up anyway (which is what will happen, lol).   
  
  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
With some of the weirder fanfics (and a few not-so-weird fanfics too) I write, I like to add "super fun happy features" to them.  
  
You know how I said there were going to be three new peoples every chapter? Well starting from Chapter 1, I am giving Super Fun Happy Hints so you can try to guess who'll be in the next chapter! Some Hints will give it all away, others you might have to think hard, especially if you're not Aussie.  
  
So have fun with the Super Fun Happy Feature, 'cause that's what it's there for!  
  
PS: Review please.  
  
PPS: Don't sue please.  
  
PPPS: If having any of your favourite celebrities in here disturbs/annoys you, please don't flame, I just want to make people laugh. If you DO decide to flame (for whatever reason), they will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins (he's still at it!). Or maybe I'll just chuck them in the fire myself (I'm joking, peoples).  
  
  
  
Dedication:  
  
All of my fanfics are now dedicated to the 3,000-plus innocent people who were killed in the World Trade Center and Pentagon terrorist attacks in New York City and Washington D.C. on September 11, 2001. They will always be remembered. God Bless America, death to terrorists. Especially Osama Bin-Laden (even though he is in this fanfic).  
  
  
  
Prologue: A Drunk's Dream Begins  
  
'Aaahh, git outta here yeu scumbag!'  
  
'Nah, how 'bout you?'  
  
Link groaned as he sat at the front bar of the Hyrule Market pub, listening to one of the small fights that was taking place.  
  
'Shut up you lot!' he yelled.  
  
'Why don' YER?' hiccupped one of the drunkos.  
  
'I have no reason to.'  
  
'Well, yer will now! (hic)' And the drunko picked up a beer bottle and smashed it on the bar.  
  
'Uh-oh...' Link said. He pulled out his sword.  
  
'Whoa, what a big spoon!' yelled another drunko.  
  
'It's not a spoon, it's a sword!'  
  
'Oh, yer played knifey-spooney here before, have yeh?'  
  
'No. And this is a sword, not a knife.'  
  
'Yeh (hic) sure abou' that?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
The drunko with the broken bottle now jumped at Link, who slid under his legs ('Ow! Damn carpet burn!') and hit him on the head with the flat of his sword.  
  
'Ha! You can't shut ME up!'  
  
'You sure abou' that?' The knocked-out-drunko's friend crept up behind him.  
  
'I'm sure!'  
  
'Yer sure yeh sure?'  
  
'Duh.'  
  
'Yeh sure yer sure yer sure?'  
  
'Oh brother.'  
  
'Yeh sure yer sure yer sure yer sure?'  
  
'Just shut up already!' Link knocked him out with a punch in the face.  
  
'Hey! Did you hurt my buddies?!' yelled another drunko.  
  
'Oh, here we go again...'  
  
After at least a dozen more drunkos had been knocked out (they were so idiotic), Link got back to talking with the barman over a drink or two (or TEN!).  
  
'So Saria... she says... she says...'  
  
'What? What does she say?'  
  
'Uh... I don't remember... (hic)...'  
  
'Geez Link, you're really drunk - I reckon you should stay at the hotel tonight. You can't go home like that!' said the barman.  
  
'No way! I know my way back home like the palm of my hand...'  
  
'You have GLOVES on your hands!!'  
  
'What? Magnetic Gloves sure is useful...'  
  
'Okay, I'm taking you to one of the spare rooms.'  
  
'NO!!!! I'M GOING HOME AND YER CAN'T STOP ME!!!!'  
  
'Too late!' The barman hopped over the bar and grabbed Link by the arm, pulling him over to the stairs.  
  
'NO! NOO!! NOOOO!!!!'  
  
'Ah, shut up!' yelled the drunkos whom Link had knocked out earlier (they had woken up).  
  
'You!' Link growled.  
  
The barman dragged Link up the stairs and into the nearest spare room.  
  
'You're staying in here tonight!' the barman yelled, and he locked the door.  
  
As soon as the barman was out of earshot, Link ran over to the OPEN window and jumped out.   
  
  
  
'Uhhhh...' Link moaned in pain and tiredness as he tried to keep his eyes open. He had only made it as far as the drawbridge.  
  
With one last glimpse of his surroundings, Link collapsed to the ground and fell asleep.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Heh heh heh...  
  
Next chapter: We Are In "Wherever The Hell We Are"  
  
~~~ 


	2. Chapter 1: We Are In Wherever The Hell W...

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream  
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: We Are In "Wherever The Hell We Are"  
  
When Link opened his eyes he saw a shining light above him.  
  
'Navi? Is that you?'   
  
'Sure is.'  
  
'Well good, we need to get home.'  
  
'Home? What are you talking about? Home is... a long way away from here.'  
  
'Where's "here"?'  
  
'"Here" is... I don't know. But one thing for sure, this is the Author's fault.'  
  
'What do you mean, "the author's fault"?' Author bellowed - in a strangely squeaky voice.  
  
'Don't tell me -'  
  
'Yep, I'm a fairy now too. Your guardian fairy from wherever the hell we are!'  
  
'I thought you'd know where we are?' Link asked.  
  
'Nup. My "super special author powers" aren't THAT good yet.'  
  
'What, so they're good enough to land me in wherever the hell we are, and turn you into a fairy, but not good enough to TELL us where we are?!'  
  
'That's right.'   
  
'Oh hell.'   
  
Link looked around himself. There was a wide range of terrain everywhere. For example, lava in one spot and right next to it was an iceberg.  
  
'So WHERE the hell are we?'  
  
'I don't know, but we might as well call this place "Wherever The Hell We Are" for now, I guess,' Author said, using "quotation fingers".  
  
Link and Navi groaned.  
  
'Thank you for naming this previously-unnamed place,' a voice said.   
  
Link turned around. 'Oh no, you're that big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons!'  
  
The lawyer grinned and held up a contract, which said that whoever signed it would be the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
'Woo-hoo!' Author yelled and signed it.   
  
'This place is hereby named "Wherever The Hell We Are" by Author,' said the lawyer.  
  
No-one clapped except Author and the lawyer. Everyone else (Navi and Link) just gave them bad looks.  
  
'Can you get lost now, lawyer?'  
  
'Fine, be that way,' the lawyer said and disappeared.  
  
~~~  
  
Link's "journal" (he'd found an empty book left behind when the lawyer had gone):  
  
I am now in "Wherever The Hell We Are", no thanks to Author, who has used her "super special author powers" to turn her into my guardian fairy that comes from "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
That big-nosed blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons just turned up and Author signed his contract saying that she is the founder of "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
At least the lawyer left this book behind for me to write in.   
  
~~~  
  
'Hey? What's Link doing? Writing in his secret DIARY?' Author laughed.  
  
'No! Uh... it's a journal.'   
  
Author laughed.  
  
'I hope you aren't going to be as annoying as Navi is!' Link yelled.  
  
'Yeah! I hope you aren't as annoying as me!' Navi yelled.  
  
'No,' said Author. 'I'm going to be even MORE annoying than Navi is!'  
  
'Oh no!' Link and Navi groaned.  
  
Author smiled evilly.  
  
'Now what are we going to do?' Link wondered as he sat down on the hot sand.  
  
HOT SAND?!  
  
Link jumped back up from the sand.  
  
'Hey!' Navi said. 'Look at the ground!'  
  
'It's changing!' Link said. He looked and saw the sand had changed into sea water. 'Uh-oh...' Link fell in.  
  
The water changed to lava and Link jumped out, holding his butt, which was on fire.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!'  
  
'Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!' Navi and Author laughed.  
  
Link got out some convenient Spring Water and poured it onto his red-hot bottom, then pulled out a can of Fairy Mortein (A/N: my own creation).   
  
'Who's first?'  
  
'Uh... I think I'm... going to... go now...' Navi said and darted into Link's bag.  
  
'Navi, don't leave me!' yelled Author, but Link sprayed her.  
  
'Augh! *cough* Die Link!'  
  
'Never!'  
  
'You know, I wish we REALLY knew where we were...' Navi whispered in Link's ear.  
  
  
  
'Tingle Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Help me!' Link yelled desperately as Tingle ran over to him.  
  
'You is looking for a map, is you? Well you can have this for 300 Rupees! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.  
  
'300?!'  
  
'Yeah, Tingle is wanting more money so he can buy a fairy from the Great Deku Tree, Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'You can't buy fairies from the Deku Tree!' Link argued. Then he got an idea. 'But you can buy one off ME...' He picked up Author and handed him to Tingle.  
  
'This fairy looks annoying and Tingle think it's poisoned with Fairy Mortein,' said Tingle, inspecting Author closely. 'I don't want this fairy, Kooloo-Limpah.' He threw Author away.  
  
'Oh FINE...' Link said and payed up 300 Rupees.  
  
'Yay! Here is your map of "Wherever The Hell We Are"!' Tingle jumped for joy. 'And for Link's kindness Tingle will go looking for a fairy with him! Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'NO!!!!' Link, Navi and Author yelled.  
  
Link inspected the map carefully.  
  
'Hey! This map has nothing on it but a few squiggles and an X!'  
  
'It is a very good-quality map for "Wherever The Hell We Are", did you know?' Tingle said.  
  
'More like a RIP-OFF!!!!' Link yelled and lunged for Tingle's neck, but he quickly darted away with a 'Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Oh, forget it. You're too mental to bother chasing.'  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
Link's journal:  
  
Great. Just great.  
  
I am stuck here in "Wherever The Hell We Are" with Navi and Author the two annoying fairies, and Tingle the... okay, he's too weird to explain in words.  
  
I just hope no-one else turns up...  
  
~~~  
  
'Meow!'  
  
Link looked down. There was a blue-grey-pointed cat sitting at his feet, wagging its tail and meowing.  
  
'Noodles! What are you doing here?!'  
  
Noodles was Lauren's pet cat. How he'd found his way into "Wherever The Hell We Are", Link had no idea. (A/N: you'll find out who Lauren is when I release the appropriate fanfic!)  
  
He picked the Ragdoll cat up. Noodles meowed louder and struggled to get out of Link's hands.  
  
'Maybe it's a good thing I have his harness.' Link put it on the fluffy cat.  
  
~~~  
  
Link's journal:  
  
Okay, make it I am stuck here with Navi, Author, Tingle and now my friend Lauren's cat Noodles.  
  
~~~  
  
Link studied the map closer.  
  
'That looks like a hut - vaguely. Um, guys... do you have a compass?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'No, Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
'Author... you have "super special author powers"...'   
  
'Uh-uh. You're going to have to get your own compass.'  
  
'I wish we had a compass!' Navi said and she was immediately knocked to the ground by something gold and silver.  
  
Link picked it up.   
  
'It IS a compass!'  
  
'Link... you're squishing me with your hand!' Navi whimpered.  
  
'Oh, sorry.' He held out his hand and Navi flew up from it.  
  
'So what's your plan? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle asked.  
  
'There's a hut on this map - we're going to find it with this compass.'  
  
'But you don't know where we are,' Author said.  
  
'We're in "Wherever The Hell We Are",' Link said sarcastically. Then more seriously, said, 'Hello - there is an "X" on this map. Here, you watch what happens when I move around.' Link ran over to a tree ten metres away and the "X" on the map moved as well.  
  
'Oh, so it's a magical map.'  
  
'[sarcastically] Nuh, it's a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper!' Link said. He took the map back, but saw it WAS a three-year-old-toddler's scribble on a piece of scrap paper.  
  
'Okay, listen here!' Link yelled at the sky. 'You turn this back into a map or I'm going to kill Author here!'  
  
'NO!!!!' Author yelled.  
  
~Alright already,~ boomed a voice that sounded like the author.  
  
The scribble turned back into the map.  
  
'Better. Come on, we need to get going,' Link said and stepped forward - into quicksand. His legs sunk to the bottom, and he struggled to keep his torso above the sand.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
Link's journal:   
  
I am writing this extremely hastily for I'm sinking into quicksand.   
  
Navi wished for a compass and we got one. So we are trying to find our way to the hut which is on the map but we can't because I'm in this quicksand.  
  
HELP!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
'Guys, a little help here?!' Link yelled. 'I AM sinking into quicksand, you know!'  
  
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle grabbed onto Link's arm.   
  
'Oh no! Link!' Author grabbed onto Tingle's back.   
  
'Hey!' Navi grabbed onto Author's wing.   
  
'Meow!' Noodles jumped up, latching his claws onto Author ('OW!!').  
  
And they pulled.  
  
'You know, I wish we had some extra help here,' Navi said.  
  
Link's Machamp and Scyther came out of their Poke Balls. (A/N: you'll find out more when the appropriate fanfic is released!)  
  
^PokeDex translator: now operating.^  
  
'Machamp?' ^What's happening?^  
  
'Scy-THER!!!!' ^Look at Link!!!!^  
  
'Machamp, Scyther, help me out here!' Link yelled.  
  
The two Pokemon grabbed onto Tingle and pulled.  
  
'Aaaaaaaaahhhh!' Link, Tingle, Navi, Author, Noodles, Machamp and Scyther were pulled up into the air and landed in a heap.  
  
'Gee, thanks you two. Return!' Link said and the Pokemon went back inside their Poke Balls.  
  
'I forgot you had Pokemon, Link,' said Author.  
  
'I thought fairies with "super special author powers" didn't forget,' Link queried.  
  
'That's elephants.'  
  
'NOW can we get going?' Navi groaned.  
  
'Whatever,' Link said wearily.  
  
They set off through the mottled terrain of "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
New Characters In This Chapter:  
  
The Author in fairy form   
  
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)  
  
Tingle  
  
Noodles, Lauren's pet cat  
  
Machamp and Scyther, two of Link's Pokemon (temporary)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
So Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are setting off for the "mysterious hut". But there is heaps of really weird stuff waiting to happen... Tingle gets mistaken for a woman (?!), pink elephants falling from nowhere (?!?!), and a re-generating jungle! (?!?!?!)  
  
Next Chapter: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
Some new people to join the small group: who could they be?  
  
Hint 1: jungle, skulls and magic   
  
Hint 2: "Shut up you ****ing *****!"  
  
Hint 3: groovy baby  
  
Try and figure them out before you read the next chapter. I have a VERY strange feeling that most people will be able to guess at least two of them.  
  
~~~ 


	3. Chapter 2: Trip Across A Chessboard With...

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream   
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Trip Across A Chessboard - With Disastrous Results  
  
'So WHERE are we going?' Navi asked for the millionth time.  
  
Link ignored her.  
  
The small group had been walking/flying for about ten minutes now.  
  
'Author, can you use your "super special author powers" to shut Navi up?' Link asked.  
  
'No, but I can do this.' Author pulled out a roll of sticky tape and...   
  
Navi made a lot of muffled sounds which Noodles meowed at.  
  
'Shut up.'  
  
'I thought you had "super special author powers" that WORKED!!!!' Link moaned.  
  
'Only when the Big Author lets me use them in this fanfic,' Author said.  
  
'What? There's someone else in this conspiracy too?!' Link said.  
  
^PokeDex translator: now operating for Navi's purpose.^  
  
'Img-nmm imm. His bmmm wet-chmig mooo mutkh Sx-Fllmms.' ^Ignore him. He's been watching too much X-Files.^   
  
'Have not! X-Files finished weeks ago!' Link argued. 'And I never watched a minute of it.'  
  
'Shut up Navi,' Author said. Noodles purred in agreement.  
  
'If you wanted her to shut up, you would've used your "super special author powers" to zip her lips together, wouldn't have you?' Link groaned.  
  
'Did someone call for me? Groovy baby, yeah!' came a shagadelic voice.  
  
'AUSTIN POWERS!!!!' Author yelled.  
  
'Mmmstm Moumrrs!!!!' ^Austin Powers!!!!^ cried Navi.  
  
'Oh my God! Either that's Mini-me or...' Austin trailed off.  
  
'IMMM NOMT MIMMI-MII!' ^I'M NOT MINI-ME!^   
  
'Hey!' Link got Austin's attention.  
  
'Oh hello... who are you, baby?' Austin asked.  
  
'Link, Hero of Time.'  
  
'Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.'  
  
'Nice to meet you.'  
  
'Groovy baby, yeah!'  
  
Link introduced Austin to the others.  
  
'...and this is Tingle. He's a Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy.'  
  
'I've got an idea,' Austin said and he punched Tingle in the nose. Tingle fell over, red nose bleeding.  
  
'Why did you do that?' Author asked.  
  
'That's not a man, that's a woman, baby!' Austin started pulling at Tingle's hat and hair.  
  
'Ow! Tingle doesn't like this! Ow! Please stop! Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
Austin let go of Tingle, who slumped to the ground.  
  
'So why are you here, Mr. Powers?' Author asked.  
  
'I thought I heard someone say... my name, baby,' Austin said.  
  
'No, I just said something about Author's "super special author powers",' Link said.  
  
'You said "author" and not Austin?' Austin asked.  
  
'Yep. But you can come with us if you want.'  
  
'Groovy baby!'   
  
~~~  
  
Link's journal:  
  
For some reason, Austin Powers has appeared in "Wherever The Hell We Are" and mistook Tingle for a woman. He's got a good point there... But don't tell Tingle that, hehe.  
  
Now Austin is travelling with us to the "mysterious hut" as Navi dubbed it before Author taped her lips together. Now the only way we can understand her is if Dexter translates.  
  
So now we're a group of six: me, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles and Austin.  
  
~~~  
  
The very unlikely group kept walking across the constantly-changing ground.  
  
'Watch out for waterholes,' Author advised.  
  
'Even though you're two shagadelic fairies, I don't like you,' Austin said. 'Too annoying, baby.'  
  
'Hey!'  
  
'Hmmm!' ^Hey!^  
  
'And the Tingle woman...'  
  
'I am NOT a woman! Link, make him stop calling me that!'  
  
'No way,' Link smiled.  
  
Tingle buried his face in his hands. Noodles pulled on his harness and ran to comfort Tingle.  
  
'Nice kitty.'  
  
  
  
Ten minutes later (nothing very interesting happened until then)...  
  
'What's this say?' Link glanced at a sign in front of what looked like a chessboard.  
  
Danger! Watch out for falling objects!  
  
'Hmmm. Well then, we'd better watch out for falling objects.'  
  
'Especially steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads, baby yeah,' Austin agreed (you'll only get the joke if you've seen the movies, or at least the first one).  
  
'ESPECIALLY those.'  
  
As soon as Link stepped onto a white square on the chessboard, a shadow appeared over him.  
  
Author looked up.  
  
'Er - Link, I think you should run NOW!'  
  
Link stepped onto the next square, which was black.   
  
BAM!!!!  
  
Link looked back to see a pink elephant sitting on the white square.  
  
The elephant trumpeted. 'So, whatcha doing here?'  
  
'We are... trying to get across this chessboard.'  
  
'Good luck then! You'll need it.'  
  
'Do you think you could...'  
  
'Give some help? NO WAY!'  
  
Navi kicked the elephant, which jumped up and looked around on the ground before seeing Navi.  
  
'Aaaaaaaahhhh! It's a flying mouse!!'   
  
'Grab on!' Link tossed a lasso over the elephant and threw the other end to Austin (who was holding Noodles) and Tingle.   
  
The elephant ran across the chessboard with lots of objects falling to the ground.  
  
'Whoa! That was close!' Link said as he clinged onto the elephant, who narrowly dodged an anvil.  
  
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.  
  
'This was never in the job description!' Author cried.  
  
'You haven't seen dangerous until you've seen a nuclear warhead, baby!' Austin yelped. 'Good thing one of those hasn't fallen.'  
  
'Don't speak too soon!' Ellie yelled.  
  
'MMMMmmmm!' Navi yelled. ^PokeDex: This means nothing in particular, I can't translate it or it is just a yell.^  
  
'So Ellie, I suppose you're coming with us?' Link asked.  
  
'Whatever. This falling objects chessboard is too dangerous to live on,' Ellie said.  
  
  
  
At the other side of the chessboard, there was another obstacle.  
  
'We have to get across THAT?' Link yelled. In front of him was a deep water-filled ravine with a thin rope bridge across it. Complete with steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and sharks with laser beams attached to their heads.  
  
When Author screamed, a laser beam flew out of the water.  
  
'Okay, swimming's out,' Link said.  
  
Everyone agreed, especially Austin.  
  
'But what about Ellie here?' Author asked, pointing at the pink elephant.  
  
Link's face fell.  
  
'Well... everyone except Ellie here can go across and THEN she can go.' Link had a feeling the bridge would break under Ellie's weight.  
  
'Get over here then!' Author yelled.   
  
'What are you doing over there?' Link yelled.  
  
'We flew over!' Author said. She and Navi had flown over the ravine as Link was talking.  
  
'(sigh) Here I go...' Link said, taking a careful step onto the bridge.  
  
  
  
'Don't look down!' Austin yelled, forgetting he was using his Shrek voice (Austin really is Mike Myers after all).  
  
Link took another careful step. The wood plank he had put his foot on collapsed under him and Link tripped.  
  
'Austin, I'm lookin' down!' Link yelled in an Eddie Murphy voice.  
  
'Stop imitating Donkey!' Tingle said. 'Oh, and don't forget - Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
Noodles gave a loud meow, signalling that he thought Tingle was annoying.  
  
Author zoomed over to Link now.  
  
'Hurry up or... never mind, I'll just do this.'  
  
The fairy kicked Link and he flew through the air.  
  
'Hey! I'm flying! I'm flying!' Link imitated Donkey again as he soared through the air to land in the dirt ten metres past the bridge on the other side.  
  
'That's a good kick you've got there, Author - too good...' Link rubbed his bum.  
  
Austin, Noodles and Tingle carefully made their way across the bridge.  
  
'Tmkm myss spcky mape moff MIRT MOU!' ^Take this sticky tape off RIGHT NOW!^ Navi yelled.  
  
'Anything to stop that awful PokeDex talking, baby,' Austin said. He ripped the sticky tape off Navi's mouth.  
  
'OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!'  
  
'Meow!' Noodles saw Navi and started pawing at her.  
  
'Hey, watch where you're going with those claws, cat!'  
  
'Meow...'  
  
'Look, Ellie's almost there!' Link yelled, pointing at the pink elephant, who was crossing the bridge on tiptoe.  
  
As Ellie approached the end of the bridge everyone whooped.  
  
'Yay Ellie!'  
  
'Woo-hoo!'  
  
'Yeah baby, yeah!'  
  
'Hooray! Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Alright!'  
  
Ellie trumpeted and stomped her foot, not realising she wasn't off the bridge yet.   
  
The bridge collapsed.  
  
'Aaaaahh!' Ellie yelled.   
  
'I'm coming to save ya!' Link yelled, and he grabbed onto Ellie's trunk.  
  
'Hang on, baby!' Austin yelled and he grabbed onto Link to help.  
  
'Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled and grabbed onto Austin.  
  
'Hey!' Navi yelled and she grabbed onto Tingle.  
  
'What's happening?' Author yelled but she grabbed onto Navi anyway.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles yelled and he grabbed onto Author.  
  
Everyone pulled.  
  
'This really hurts, you know,' Ellie groaned. 'How would YOU like it if people were pulling on YOUR nose?'  
  
'This is getting ridiculous!' Navi said. 'I wish there was a mouse here.'  
  
A mouse appeared on Ellie's head.  
  
Ellie looked up.  
  
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MOUSE!!!!' Ellie yelled and jumped up onto land.  
  
Everyone else was hauled up into the air again.  
  
  
  
'[sarcastic] Well, that was eventful,' Link groaned. He was under everyone else.  
  
'Oh, didn't see you down there,' Ellie said and got up.  
  
'I think you crushed half my bones...'  
  
'Nonsense.'  
  
'No, I mean it.'  
  
'Well then, I wish there was a hospital here,' Navi said.  
  
In front of them appeared a hospital.  
  
'Well, shall we?' Author asked.  
  
'Duh! I need CARE here!' Link yelled.  
  
Ellie heaved him up onto her shoulder ('Hey! Watch where you're pulling me!') and walked into the hospital, the others walking after her.  
  
Navi rang the service bell on the counter for the hundredth time.  
  
'This could at least be a DECENT hospital!' she groaned.  
  
'Someone damn fix my bones already!' Link yelled.  
  
Author quickly zoomed around the hospital (there was only one floor). 'There's no-one here,' she said.  
  
'Well then, I wish for a doctor!' Navi said.   
  
'It's-a meeeee!!!!' an Italian accent immediately sounded out.  
  
'Don't tell me - Dr. Mario...' Link groaned.  
  
'Mamma mia!' Dr. Mario said. 'Looka at-a your-a broken-a... everyting!'  
  
'Duh! Can't you fix me up, Dr. Mario?'  
  
'Yes-a, but-a it'll take a longa time-a!'  
  
  
  
In the operating theatre, Dr. Mario called in his assistants.  
  
'Aaaaaahhh! Dr. Evil!' Austin yelled.  
  
'Throw me a frickin' bone here. I didn't go to evil medical school for 6 years to be called "Mr. Thank-You-Very-Much",' Dr. Evil said.  
  
'You've got a point there, baby.'  
  
'Dr. Hibbert!' Author yelled.  
  
'Eh-hihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed (yes, that's meant to be his laugh).  
  
'Nurse Joy?!' Navi said.  
  
'Please tell me Brock isn't here...' Nurse Joy hoped.  
  
'No, he isn't, but I can always imitate him, baby,' Austin joked.  
  
'Ulp.'  
  
'Just stop the introductions and FIX MY BONES!' Link yelled.  
  
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.  
  
'Since when are you in this fanfic?' Author asked.  
  
'We don't know!' Norb replied.  
  
'I thought YOU'D know, Author! You're the one writing this!' Link groaned in his pain.  
  
'No I'm not, the Big Author is,' Author said.  
  
'Shut up Norb!' Dag yelled.  
  
'Why don't you Dag?' Norb replied.  
  
'Now I know why they're called "Angry Beavers",' Tingle commented. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'If you don't stop saying that I'll get these beavers to bop you into the last millenium!' Author said.  
  
'Ok I'll stop.'  
  
'Meow!' Noodles pawed Dag cautiously.  
  
Half an hour later the doctors hadn't gotten anywhere. They must have been pretty lousy doctors (Dr. Evil is... evil, Nurse Joy only operates on Pokemon, Dr. Mario is the star of a puzzle game, and Dr. Hibbert... let's just say he reckons laughter is the best medicine in this fanfic).  
  
'You know, I think some magic will help,' Link offered, holding his sword-wand up. (A/N: you'll find out about the sword-wand when I release the appropriate fanfic!)  
  
Dr. Mario took the wand and prodded Link's legs, which healed instantly.  
  
'Thank you doctors and nurse (not),' Link said and he got up, taking the wand back and slipping it in his pocket.  
  
'Are we going to get going now, Link baby?' Austin said.  
  
'Uh... yes. And I disapprove of you calling me "baby" unless you've gone gay on me.'  
  
'No, of course I haven't, ba- Link!'  
  
'Well-a, are ya going-a to go-a now-e?' Dr. Mario asked.  
  
'Duh! Throw me a frickin' bone here!' Link said.  
  
'Hey! Don't steal my line! When someone steals my line it makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.' Mr. Bigglesworth (who was greeting Noodles) meowed. 'And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!!!!' Dr. Evil pressed a button on a remote control and several people in the "audience" fell into a hellpit, including Dag and Norb.  
  
'If you see Brock, don't tell him I'm here,' Nurse Joy advised.  
  
'Eh-hihihihihihihihihi!' Dr. Hibbert laughed.   
  
'SHUT UP!' everyone yelled.  
  
Finally Link was able to walk out of the hospital with Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin and Ellie behind him.   
  
They went through the doors facing the way they were walking, and found a jungle.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
Link's journal:  
  
Now another person has joined our little group - a pink elephant called Ellie. Actually that's not her name, we just call her that.  
  
We were going across a "chessboard" when Ellie fell from the sky and she helped us across the chessboard. And then there was a ravine with sea bass, steamrollers and laserbeam sharks in it. We walked across a wooden bridge but Ellie almost didn't make it.  
  
When we fell in a heap on the ground Ellie was on top of my legs and Navi had to wish up a hospital - and Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy were there. As well as Dag and Norb.  
  
And now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle.  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
Link slashed his sword through the dense jungle vines, but they grew back as quickly as he cut them.  
  
'This is no use. I need some fire.'  
  
'Hello? You DO have Din's Fire, don't you?' Navi reminded him.  
  
'Oh yeah! Everyone stand back!' Link yelled and he let out a fireball.  
  
It burnt down everything within ten metres of Link.  
  
'Well, that worked well, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.  
  
Then the jungle grew back again.  
  
'DOH!!!!' Link yelled. 'You jinxed it, Tingle!'  
  
'Shut up you ****ing ***** of a skull-man!' There was a snatch of very bad conversation from around a huge tree that was taller than a house and wider than a house.  
  
'Me not shut up - you swear too much, Mumbo not like.' Another voice, very caveman-like this time.  
  
'You ****ing idiot! Just do something with that ****ty skull wand thing of yours!'  
  
ZAP!  
  
'****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PUT MY *** ON FIRE YOU *****!!!!'  
  
'Not Mumbo fault. You swear much. Mumbo not like, do spell wrong.'  
  
'Should we take a look?' Link asked the motley group.   
  
'Why not? Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Yeah baby yeah!'  
  
'Hey! Look!'  
  
'Meow!'  
  
'Be quiet Noodles!'  
  
'Shut up Navi or I'll sit on you!'  
  
'It wasn't me, it was Author!'  
  
'NO YOU DON'T - AAAAAAHHHH!!!!'  
  
'Ellie, get off Author.'  
  
'Ooh, sticking up for the annoying fairy now are you?'  
  
'Shut up Navi, baby.'  
  
Link walked around the huge tree and saw Mumbo Jumbo looking sorry for putting Ozzy Osbourne's butt on fire.  
  
'I should have known!' Link cried.  
  
'Who the ****ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.  
  
'Link, Hero of Time. And this is... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin Powers and Ellie the pink elephant.'  
  
'Oh ****, I knew I was hallucinating again! First a f***ing b****** skull-man, now a ****ing pink elephant!' Ozzy yelled.  
  
'Me Mumbo Jumbo. Me best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie and Tooie. And he Ozzy Osbourne. He swear too much,' Mumbo said.  
  
'Well, uh... nice to meet both of you,' Link said, shaking Mumbo's hand.   
  
Ozzy was still running about, hands on his fiery bum.  
  
'Groovy baby!' Austin said.  
  
'Oh shut the **** up!'  
  
'Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'You too you little ****head!'  
  
Ellie trumpeted.  
  
'****, I AM hallucinating - get me a doctor... or maybe a ****ing beer.'  
  
'You don't want to go back to that hospital. I mean it...' Link said. He explained about Dr. Mario, Dr. Evil, Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy.  
  
'I don't give a **** about some ****ty Italian plumber/doctor!'  
  
'This guy is scaring me. I wish he'd shut up!' Navi said.  
  
'Mmmmm-*****!' ^Hey you *****!^ Ozzy's mouth had been taped up magically.  
  
'Mumbo like Navi. You make Ozzy quiet.' Mumbo held out a bunch of flowers.  
  
'Er... Mumbo, YOU'RE really scaring me now.'  
  
'Mmmmmm mmmm ****mmm mmmmmmmm mmmm mmmm!' ^Get that ****ing elephant outta here!^  
  
'Oh great one Ozzy, you got my PokeDex swearing now!!' Link groaned.  
  
'This is nuts!' Dag said again.  
  
'I thought Dr. Evil got rid of you!' Author yelled.  
  
'No.'  
  
'Well Mumbo will!' Mumbo whacked his skull wand thing on Dag's head and he disappeared. 'Mumbo more happy now. But Ozzy and PokeDex not stop swearing.'  
  
'If Ozzy stops, the PokeDex will stop too,' Tingle said. 'Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Mmmmm mm mmmm *****!' ^Shut up you *****!^  
  
Tingle started bawling.  
  
'Now look what you made him do!' Link yelled. 'Even worse than his "Kooloo-Limpah" is his crying!'  
  
'Mmmmm mm ****mmm mmmmm!' ^Not my ****ing fault!^  
  
'Is too!'  
  
'Mmm ****mmm mmm!' ^Is ****ing not!^  
  
'Is too!'  
  
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^  
  
'Is too!'  
  
'Mmm mmm!' ^Is not!^  
  
Ellie sucked some of Tingle's tears into her trunk and sprayed Link and Ozzy.  
  
'Shut up BOTH of you or we'll ALL start swearing!'  
  
'And that ain't my bag, baby!' Navi said.  
  
'Quit stealing my groovy lines, baby!' Austin said.  
  
Ozzy wrenched the tape off his mouth.  
  
'SHUT THE **** UP!!!!' he yelled.   
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
'Thank you Ozzy. Now, can we concentrate on getting to this "mysterious hut" in the middle of "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link said.  
  
~~~   
  
Link's journal:  
  
Okay, now we're stuck in a re-generating jungle with Ozzy Osbourne and Mumbo Jumbo as well. I am really starting to hate this.  
  
~~~  
  
'Fine, just stop that ***** from saying his ****ing words,' Ozzy begged.  
  
'Whatever. Tingle, stop saying Kooloo-Limpah.'  
  
'NO!!!!'  
  
'He's stubborn. Just block your ears, Mr. Osbourne.'  
  
'Don't ****ing call me Mr. Osbourne! I'm OZZY!!'  
  
'I get the message.'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
New Characters In This Chapter:  
  
Austin Powers  
  
Ellie the pink elephant  
  
Dr. Mario (temporary)  
  
Dr. Evil (temporary)  
  
Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons (temporary)  
  
Nurse Joy (temporary)  
  
Dag and Norb the Angry Beavers (temporary)   
  
Ozzy Osbourne  
  
Mumbo Jumbo  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Now Link, Navi, Author, Tingle and Noodles are stuck in a re-generating jungle with Austin Powers, Ozzy Osbourne, Mumbo Jumbo and Ellie the pink elephant.   
  
Can things get any worse?  
  
SURE THEY CAN!!!!  
  
Next Chapter: Bunny Bar Bomb  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
Hints for who's coming up next chapter...  
  
Hint 1: bum-dancing bunny  
  
Hint 2: let's look out for terrorism  
  
Hint 3: A Current Affair host  
  
Anyone reading this who isn't Australian probably won't get the first and third ones, sorry.  
  
~~~ 


	4. Chapter 3: Bunny Bar Bomb

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream  
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.  
  
Hi, I'm back again! Sorry it took so long - I had this written up for days but never got around to it until now - and I don't have much internet time left... anyway... this is the funniest chapter yet! But be prepared for a LOT more swearing (and not just from Ozzy either), several weapons of mass distraction (yes, that's DISTRACTION), a bit of violence, and a fairy-swallowing snake.  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: Bunny Bar Bomb  
  
'This is f***ing boring!' Ozzy yelled for the millionth time.  
  
'WE KNOW OZZY!!!!' everyone else in the motley group yelled. They had been slashing their way through the re-generating jungle for half an hour.  
  
'My f***ing legs are f***ing tired.'  
  
'Well then Ellie can carry you,' Link said.  
  
'No f***ing way!!!!'  
  
'Mumbo angry. Ozzy not stop swearing,' Mumbo groaned yet again.  
  
'Yeah baby. I've sworn lots of groovy times, but not THAT much, yeah baby yeah!' Austin commented.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles scratched at Austin's leg.  
  
'You want me to pick you up, you groovy pussy?' Austin heaved the cat into his arms. 'Crikey, you're heavy!'  
  
'Shut up you mother-f***er,' Ozzy yelled.  
  
'Okay, I'm taking bets on how much longer Ozzy's going to last in this jungle,' Link offered.  
  
'Ten minutes,' Navi said.  
  
'Ten seconds,' Author said.  
  
'One second,' Link said.  
  
'Ten hours, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.  
  
'Ozzy last one minute, Mumbo think,' Mumbo said.  
  
'I don't care,' Ellie said.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles said.  
  
'Five groovy seconds, baby yeah,' Austin said.  
  
'All bets in? Right then, the fun starts now,' Link announced.  
  
'SHUT THE F*** UP! I CAN'T TAKE YOU F***ING LOT NO MORE!!!! I'M OUT OF THIS F***ING JUNGLE!!!!' Ozzy yelled at once.  
  
'Okay, that was one second. I win,' Link said.  
  
Ozzy went over to Link and punched him in the face.   
  
'What was that for?' Link asked, rubbing the new bruise on his nose.  
  
'For being a stuffin' f***ing b****!'  
  
'Was I that?' Link asked everyone else.  
  
'No.'  
  
'No way.'  
  
'No baby yeah.'  
  
'No, think Mumbo.'  
  
'No, Kooloo-Limpah.'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Yes, you f***ing b****!' Ozzy was fed up. 'I'm leaving!' He ran off through the dense jungle.  
  
'Alright, but it's your fault if you get lost!' Link called.  
  
They continued their slashing through the jungle.  
  
  
  
Five seconds later...  
  
Ozzy came back.  
  
'Lost, are you?' Link joked.  
  
'No, there's a f***ing snake there! And behind that there's a f***ing dance club! I can't stand the s***ty things.'  
  
'A dance club? In the middle of a jungle?!' Link wondered. He hacked away at the vines in front of him, and sure enough, there was a large snake coiled up on the ground, and beyond that, a dance club.   
  
'The "Bunny Bar". Doesn't sound THAT bad, does it?'  
  
'Link, have you noticed the snake?' Navi asked. She hovered over to it. The long snake looked up and saw the fairy. With a large gulp the reptile swallowed Navi in one!  
  
'NAVI!!!!' Link yelled. He ran over to the snake and stepped on it. The snake choked. 'A little help here? Navi is inside this snake, you know.'  
  
Author came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'We need someone bigger to step on it,' Link said.  
  
Noodles came over and stepped on the snake. Nothing happened. 'Bigger.'  
  
Tingle came over and stepped on the snake. The snake coughed. 'Bigger...'  
  
Mumbo came over and stepped on the snake. The snake sneezed. 'Bigger, come on...'  
  
Austin came over and stepped on the snake. Its head was really flat, but it still sneezed. 'BIGGER!! Ozzy?'   
  
'Nuh-uh. I ain't touchin' no f***ing snake.'  
  
'Fine then. Ellie, your turn. Everyone get back, this will get messy.'   
  
Ellie came over and stepped on the snake. It was squished under the force of the elephant's foot, and blood spurted out in large blobs.  
  
All that was left of the snake was a red scaly patch on the ground.  
  
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said. Ellie took Link's Spring Water and splashed it on her foot to get rid of the blood.  
  
'F***ing hell! The f***ing snake's a f***ing red patch on the f***ing ground now!' Ozzy yelled in disgust, even though he'd done some pretty disgusting things in his career himself.  
  
'Where's Navi then?' Author asked. She examined the blood closer, despite it being so disgusting.  
  
A big blob moved.   
  
'Huh?'  
  
'It's me, you idiot!'  
  
Author flapped over to the large blood blob. It was Navi.  
  
'Ewwwwwwww!' everyone said again.  
  
'What just happened?' Navi asked.  
  
'Trust me, you DON'T want to know,' Link said. Everyone nodded in agreement.   
  
'Shouldn't she go have a wash? Can't have a blood-coloured fairy,' Author said.  
  
'Good point. They'd probably have a bathroom in that dance club over there. Come on everyone,' Link said, and he walked into the club.  
  
Ozzy still refused. He said he'd wait outside with Noodles.  
  
When everyone else had gone into the club, Ozzy sat down on a fence and looked around. Trees, bushes and vines everywhere. Nothing but green everywhere except where the snake had been killed.  
  
Something moved nearby. Ozzy turned to look.  
  
A shadow was badly hidden behind a bunch of bushes.   
  
'Hmmm,' Ozzy thought. 'Oh, maybe it's a f***ing clubber taking a smoke.' He turned his thoughts to other things.  
  
  
  
'Wow! It's packed in here!' Link said, amazed at all the people in the club.  
  
'I'm home, baby!' Austin said.  
  
'No you're not. Home is a long way away from here, remember? Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.  
  
'Oh yeah. That's right, baby.'  
  
The small group walked over to the counter, where people in pyjamas and bunny ears served the drinks. Link went up to the nearest person.  
  
'Hi. Like, where's the bathroom in here?' Link asked. The person didn't hear him - the music was really loud.  
  
'Fine then, be that way.' Link looked around, and took notice of some other people dancing up on a small stage.  
  
And he thought he recognised one of those people. It might just have been his imagination, but he had a feeling he'd seen that face on TV before...  
  
Link went up to her and said, 'Hi there.'  
  
'Um, hi, who are you?' the woman asked.  
  
'I'm Link, Hero of Time.'  
  
'Right. I'm Sara-Marie, and I own the Bunny Bar.'  
  
'Sara-Marie from Big Brother?'  
  
'That's me.'  
  
'Cool! Can I have your autograph?' Link held up one of his Bunny Hoods.  
  
'Sure.' Sara-Marie signed it:  
  
Seez ya 'round sometime! Luv Sara-Marie, Aussie Big Brother star and Bunny Bar owner.  
  
'Great! Lauren's going to be SO jealous!' Link shoved the Hood back into his bag. 'So, uh, where's the bathroom here?'  
  
But Sara-Marie had someone else's attention by now.   
  
'Come on Navi, we can find the bathroom on our own.' The two looked around the large room properly.  
  
They were standing next to the main stage. People were having a few drinks at the bar and tables, or dancing out on the floor. There were a few doors next to a large screen showing flashy patterns.  
  
'Hey look, there's doors over there,' Link said. 'Let's go.'   
  
The Hylian and his Fairy left Austin and Ellie (who were dancing on the stage with Sara-Marie) to their dancing, Tingle and Author to their talking (they were sitting at the bar with some drunkos, including who looked and sounded like Barney from The Simpsons), and Noodles to his meowing at the front door (he wasn't allowed in), and weaved their way through the crowd, saying 'Excuse me' every two seconds.  
  
As they got closer to the doors, a fight had started taking place. Two drunkos had tripped up a bunch of dancers, and they had gotten rather angry.   
  
Insults and kicks flew. Link tried to get past them without being hurt, but he didn't see an oncoming punch.   
  
WHAM!  
  
'Link, you alright?' the still-bloodied Navi asked.  
  
'I-I think so... just a hit to the head, that's all...' And he fainted for about a second. 'Okay, I'm fine. Now should we go pay those punks a lesson?'  
  
'Don't-'  
  
WHAM!  
  
Link flew about ten feet through the air, crashing through one of the doors and falling halfway down a long, narrow staircase.  
  
'Ow.'  
  
'You alright, Link?' Navi asked.  
  
'Yeah. I might need a Heart refill though.'  
  
'I don't know if we can buy one of those here.'  
  
'You nong! I DO have a bag, don't I?'  
  
'Oh yeah.'  
  
Link slowly got up and brushed his tunic off. He looked back at the door. There was a Link-shaped hole in it where he'd crashed through.  
  
'Must be a pretty thin door,' he laughed. 'Well, if this is a bathroom, let's go take a look.'  
  
Link and Navi went down the stairs. The room was almost pitch-black.   
  
'Some bathroom. I sure hope this one is respectable,' Navi said. 'I don't want to get my skirt dirty.'  
  
'It already is,' Link said, looking at the blood.  
  
As they walked around aimlessly, trying to find the wall, Link tripped on something.  
  
'Huh? What's this?'   
  
He picked it up. It looked like some kind of bomb.  
  
'A bomb. And it's armed,' Link said. 'Aaaahh!' He put it down so it wouldn't explode. Then he whipped out his sword and carefully cut the fuse, disarming it.  
  
'Who in their right minds would leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club?' Navi wondered.  
  
'I'D leave a bomb in the basement of a dance club,' a new voice sneered.  
  
  
  
'Yeah baby! I love those groovy pyjamas,' Austin commented to Sara-Marie.  
  
'Uh, thanks. They're my own line,' Sara-Marie informed. 'And, like, why is there a pink elephant in here? I thought animals weren't allowed in.'  
  
'I have to travel with her. Long story, baby. And as for the groovy animals being in here, baby...' Austin took a closer look at the signs on the wall next to the bar. There was "No Smoking", "No Digimon", "No Annoying Fairies", "No Loud-Mouthed Red-Crested Breegulls", "No Bonds", "No Terrorists" and "No Fat Zora Kings".  
  
'Hey! If James Bond isn't allowed in, then why am I in here, baby? We're both shagadelic spies, aren't we baby?' Austin wondered.  
  
'I never put any of those signs there! Well, except the smoking, terrorist and annoying fairy signs, but none of the others,' Sara-Marie said.  
  
'I wonder who did, baby. It might have been... Dr. Evil, and then again... maybe not. But I ain't here to solve a mystery, I'm here to party, yeah baby yeah!'   
  
'Yeah, let's party!'  
  
'Where's Link and Navi?' Ellie asked.  
  
'Don't ask me baby, I haven't got a clue,' Austin replied.  
  
'That's funny. They were here a minute ago...'  
  
  
  
'Who are you?' Link asked the new person.  
  
'Who are YOU, is the question,' the person replied. He had a foreign accent that Link couldn't place.  
  
'I, for your big fat information, am Link, the Hero of Time. And this is my (annoying) fairy Navi. Any more questions? No? Then would you KINDLY like to tell me who you are?'  
  
'That is my business, and my business alone.'  
  
'Wise guy, eh? Smart-aleck, have we?' Navi asked. 'Do you know what we do to smart-alecks?' Link held the sword up.  
  
'And do you know what happens to people who disarm my bombs?!' the person growled.  
  
'Er, no,' Link said truthfully.  
  
Navi hovered around the person. He wore a white turban and robe and had a black beard.  
  
'You're... Osama Bin-Laden?!?! What are YOU doing in "Wherever The Hell We Are"?!' Link yelled in surprise.  
  
'What do you think? This - did you call it "Wherever The Hell We Are"? - land is my new hideout. I don't think you'd need any help to work out who I'm hiding from, if you're smart enough.'  
  
'And why did you put this bomb in the Bunny Bar?'  
  
'It's my job. I'm a terrorist.'  
  
'Right. [sarcastically] And I'm the president of the United States.'  
  
'Then I'll kill you! Even though I was going to kill you anyway.'  
  
'I was being sarcastic, duh! Can't you tell the difference? Oh no, you can't pick out a Hylian's accent.'  
  
'You know, I do have a bunch of AK-47s here...' Bin-Laden pulled one out.  
  
'And I have a sword, a bow, several Pokemon, an Ocarina and a wand, among lots of other stuff.'  
  
'o_O Excuse me?'  
  
'Long story. [sarcastic] Like I'm going to tell you!'  
  
'You're living in the Middle Ages, you are! Swords!? How obsolete is that?'  
  
'Not as obsolete as you think!' Link charged up his sword, and it glowed orange.  
  
'Link, stop paying the guy out!' Navi said.  
  
'He's the most wanted man in the world! I may not find this guy again! I HAVE to pay him out! And possibly kill him.'  
  
'[sigh] Boys.'  
  
'Well, if I'm the most wanted man on the planet, then why aren't I killing you right now?' Bin-Laden asked.  
  
'Good point. But so what! Guns and missiles couldn't kill you, so I think my sword can do that efficiently.' Link got ready to release the charge, when the lights went on.  
  
'Okay, what's happening? If Dr. Evil's down there, come over here with your groovy hands up, baby!' Austin yelled. He brandished his silver handgun as he stepped through the Link-shaped hole in the door.  
  
'And if you're not Dr. Evil, I'll sit on you and squash you to the size of an ant!' Ellie trumpeted. She knocked the door down completely and stretched her trunk, as if itching to strangle someone.  
  
'What's going on down there?' Sara-Marie asked. She held on to her bunny ears.  
  
'Tingle wonders where Link and Navi is. If they are down there please come up. Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said.   
  
'SHUT UP TINGLE!!!!' everyone except Bin-Laden yelled.  
  
'Who the hell is Tingle?!' Bin-Laden asked. Everyone ignored him.  
  
'Who said that?' Ellie asked.  
  
'I should know, I'M from the real world,' Author said. 'That's Osama Bin-Laden. [double-take] ...Wait a sec, why is HE here?!'  
  
'You should know, YOU'RE the author of this fanfic!' Ellie said.  
  
'No I'm not, I'm Assistant Author. Well, at least in this fanfic. Normally I'm the Big Author, but I'm taking a break...'  
  
'SHUT UP ABOUT AUTHORS!!!!' Bin-Laden yelled.  
  
'What? That's what I am.'  
  
'Look, I don't care whether you're an Author or the president of the United States!' Bin-Laden yelled. 'You're here, and I... Hey, you're an annoying fairy! They aren't allowed in here!'  
  
'I never thought I'd agree with the world's most wanted man, but yeah!' Sara-Marie said. 'I put that sign up!'  
  
'How could you?' Author asked sadly.  
  
'I dunno. Ask the Bunny Bar suppliers.'  
  
'Enough talk about suppliers and signs and annoying fairies!' Bin-Laden growled. 'I'm a terrorist, and I'm here to kill people!'   
  
Five minutes later, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ellie and Sara-Marie were all tied up on wooden chairs. Bin-Laden had got another bomb ready.  
  
'Ha! Now you die as well as everyone else in this building!' he sneered.  
  
'Mmi moammi mmml mou mam mav ms mou mz Mozzi mamd Moumoulz,' ~The only people who can save us now are Ozzy and Noodles,~ Link moaned. 'Mamd mey mar moutmide.' ~And they are outside.~  
  
'Be quiet, you hostage!' Bin-Laden snapped. 'And your translator machine thing.'  
  
  
  
'What's taking them so f***ing long?!' Ozzy muttered to himself. A loud meow rang out from the ground. He looked down. Noodles was pawing his leg.  
  
'What do you you want?'  
  
'Meow! Miaow meow mrrrrooow!'  
  
'Oh please shut the f*** up.'  
  
Noodles pawed his leg again, then ran over to the side of the Bunny Bar. He flicked his tail, as if to say "follow me".   
  
'Fine then. But I ain't giving you any f***ing kitty kibble for this.' Ozzy ran after the Ragdoll cat.  
  
When Noodles stopped, he meowed at a small window at the bottom of the building.  
  
'What's so special about a f***ing window? Do you wanna s*** on it or something?'  
  
Noodles shook his head, and pushed on the window.  
  
'You want me to go through THAT? No way.'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
'Well, it's either in the f***ing front door or this way... I don't f***ing fancy getting stuck in a f***ing window.'   
  
Ozzy scooped Noodles up and ran into the Bunny Bar.  
  
'Ozzy Osbourne!!'   
  
'What?'  
  
'Ozzy Osbourne's in the building?! Well I never!'  
  
The clubbers were amazed to see Ozzy in a dance club.  
  
'I'm not in here to do any f***ing dancing, OK? I just have to see what this f***ing cat wants.' He pushed through the crowd, and saw a door with a Link-shaped hole.  
  
'Meow!'  
  
'Door number f***ing three? You sure?'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
'Whatever.' Ozzy went down into the pitch-black room.  
  
'Who's there?' a strange voice asked.  
  
'Who the f***ing hell are you?' Ozzy asked.  
  
'Mozzi! Mi mure mope mou mav Moumoulz mear,' ~Ozzy! I sure hope you have Noodles there,~ Link cried.  
  
'Sure I do, f***ing pretty-boy.'  
  
'Mrrrrph. Mam mou met muz mout mov mear?' ~Hrrrrmf. Can you get us out of here?~  
  
'Duh, that's what this f***ing cat said I had to f***ing do.'  
  
'Mif mou midnt mo, Mosama Min-Madn mis min mis moom. ~If you didn't know, Osama Bin-Laden is in this room! Hellooo!~  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing I carry this with me,' Ozzy said, pulling a .44 from out of his boot (must have been a really big boot).  
  
'Mear mim mou met mat?' ~Where did you get that?!~ Navi asked.  
  
'Never mind where, I have to get f***ing Bin-Laden!' Ozzy yelled. He ran down the stairs, and saw Link, Navi, Author, Austin, Tingle, Ellie and Sara-Marie tied up on chairs. Bin-Laden was standing behind them, holding a remote control.  
  
'Mi mish me mad mumthmimg mou met mi mof mise mairz!' ~I wish we had something to get us off these chairs!~ Navi yelled.  
  
Noodles grew to the size of a Siberian tiger. A pitiful "mew" from him became a loud roar.  
  
'o_O;; ?!?!?!' Bin-Laden wondered.  
  
Noodles ran up to Link, and swiped the ropes off him in one swift movement. He got up, and untied his blindfold while Noodles cut the others' ropes.   
  
Bin-Laden tried to run, but everyone with weapons cut him off (namely Link, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Author, Navi (fairies have magic, you know) and Noodles). Only Sara-Marie and Tingle stayed back.  
  
'You aren't going anywhere!' Link yelled. He aimed his Light Arrow at Bin-Laden's heart.  
  
'Yeah, you f***ing b****! We're finally gonna pay you back for all the stuff you've done in the past!' Ozzy agreed. He cocked the .44 and aimed at Bin-Laden's head.  
  
'I may not have heard of you, baby, but you're a terrorist, just like Dr. Evil, and terrorists are bad!' Austin yelled. He aimed his handgun at... let's just say where the sun don't shine.  
  
'Good will always triumph!' Author yelled. 'Well... in my fanfics at least. Don't know about the Big Author though...' She got out her big book of "super special author powers you are allowed to use" and found the "power to kill people" page.  
  
'Well, if Bin-Laden doesn't die with all this firepower, then maybe I can change him into something harmless,' Navi said, holding up Link's bottle of gold dust (see Return to Hyrule for more info).  
  
'Give that back!' Link yelled.  
  
'After this.'  
  
'RRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!' Noodles gave a small meow, which grew to the size of a male tiger's roar. The Ragdoll cat sharpened his claws on the wall, and whipped his tail menacingly.  
  
'Well... I may not have any actual weapons,' Ellie began, 'but I have my trunk, strength, and a really smelly fart.'  
  
Everyone in the room cracked up laughing except Ellie.  
  
'It's not funny! Seriously, it stinks so bad you'd wish you had a gas mask.'  
  
Bin-Laden gulped. He DID forget his gas mask. Then he remembered his second bomb. He pulled it out from a crate.  
  
'I'd drop those weapons, if I were you. Or I'd blow you up. And even if you DID fire, the bomb would still explode. The force would be too great. Don't ask how.'  
  
Bin-Laden put the bomb down on the floor and set it to go off in one minute.  
  
Everyone dropped their weapons.  
  
'Well, I think that matter's resolved. I'll best be going now. I bid you adieu,' Bin-Laden said. He took out a smoke bomb and threw it.  
  
When the smoke cleared he was still there.  
  
'Uh, can someone blast me off through the window?' Bin-Laden asked.  
  
'Sure, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said. He had no idea that Bin-Laden was a terrorist, since the Kokiri guy didn't live in the real world, and he had been playing his Tingle Tuner during the whole conversation.  
  
Tingle walked up to Bin-Laden, who got up next to the small window, pushed it open then grabbed onto it. The little elf guy pushed and pushed, but Bin-Laden was stuck.  
  
'Ha!' Link laughed, then everyone else laughed too. 'You're going to get blown up!'  
  
'Die Link!' Bin-Laden hissed, struggling in the small window.  
  
'Link, if you haven't noticed, there's only forty seconds left,' Navi warned.  
  
'Oh, right. Evacuate!!' Link yelled. The group ran up the stairs.  
  
'I'll set the alarm, OK guys?' Sara-Marie asked.  
  
'Sure. Meet you outside.' Link and the others ran through the dancing crowd, shouting, 'There's a bomb! A BOMB!!!!'  
  
Only a few people took any notice at all.  
  
'Come on, you lazy b****es! There's a f***ing bomb in here and it's gonna f***ing blow!' Ozzy yelled.  
  
Ellie trumpeted as the alarm started blearing.  
  
Link, noticing the crowd's failure to take any notice at all, kicked the nearest dancing person. His leg went right through them.  
  
'They're ghosts?!'  
  
'No, holograms,' Sara-Marie said. 'Tell you after - there's like, fifteen seconds left!'  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE REAL AND SOLID, EVACUATE THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Link yelled as he led the small group that was tearing out of the Bunny Bar.  
  
  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
[Big Author's note: I really went overboard there, didn't I?]  
  
The furry pink roof of the Bunny Bar exploded into 100 billion or more hairs. The brick and timber walls crumbled into dust and woodchips. All the wine, beer and spirits that were in the fridge exploded and burst into flame.  
  
'I DID IT!!!!' a familiar voice yelled from somewhere. Somewhere high.  
  
Link looked up. Osama Bin-Laden was sitting on the top of a tall palm tree with a bottle of red wine in his left hand and an AK-47 in his right.  
  
'Oh f***. Gave that away, didn't I?' Bin-Laden groaned.  
  
'For the most wanted man on the planet, you're not very smart, are you?' Link asked.  
  
'F***ing hell! There's the b****** again!' Ozzy yelled. He pulled out his .44 again.  
  
'Ozzy, if you kill him, then how are we going to get him down?' Sara-Marie asked. 'He's got a sort of floor up there.'   
  
'MRRRRROOOOOWWWW!!!!' Noodles roared. He scratched the palm tree Bin-Laden was perched in.  
  
'Noodles, you need to scratch faster than that, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.  
  
'I'll help,' Ellie said. She started ramming the tree with her head.  
  
'We need something extra. Navi, can you wish me up an Iron Knuckle?' Link asked.  
  
'(sigh) I wish for an Iron Knuckle.' Navi made the wish, and an Iron Knuckle appeared at the base of the tree.  
  
'Attack this tree!' Link ordered to the Knuckle. It started hacking away at it with its giant axe.  
  
'Er, Austin, you could try helping!' Ellie said. 'My head's getting tired.'  
  
'Sorry, I don't have any groovy stuff to knock this groovy tree down, baby,' Austin said sadly.  
  
'Navi, wish me up an Iron Knuckle without the Iron Knuckle,' Link said.  
  
'You mean just the Knuckle's axe?' Navi asked.  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
Navi made a wish, and the axe appeared.   
  
'Alright!' Link tried to grab it, but it was bigger than him. 'Er... maybe the Gauntlets will work.' He slipped the Golden Gauntlets on, and lifted the axe easily this time. He started chopping the tree.  
  
It was a particularly wide palm tree, and those attacking it had only chopped quarter-way through the trunk.  
  
'I sure wish Dr. Evil and Mumbo hadn't disintegrated Dag and Norb right now,' Navi said. Dag and Norb appeared at the side of the palm tree.  
  
'This is nuts!' Dag yelled.  
  
'I thought Mumbo got rid of you!' Link yelled as he swung the axe into the tree again.  
  
'No, your fairy thing wished us back. Now wha- Chopping trees are you? No-one can do it faster than beavers!' Norb yelled, and the two beavers attacked the tree.  
  
So now, Link (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), Noodles (using his giant claws), Ellie (using her now-aching head), an Iron Knuckle (using an Iron Knuckle's axe), and Dag and Norb (using their beaver teeth) were chopping the tree down.  
  
'Hello, you mother-f***ing b****es! Does anyone care about killing f***ing Bin-Laden or are they worried about chopping this f***ing tree down?!' Ozzy yelled.   
  
'Oh yeah, baby, almost forgot,' Austin said. Both he and Ozzy aimed their guns at Bin-Laden.  
  
Bin-Laden laughed evilly, and unfolded a foldable hang-glider.  
  
'?!?!?!' everyone wondered.  
  
'Doesn't anyone care about stopping this fire or finding any survivors of the bomb?!' Navi yelled.  
  
'No!' everyone except Author replied.  
  
'Speaking of survivors, where's Mumbo?' Author wondered.  
  
'I have no idea!' Link yelled.  
  
'Don't have a f***ing clue,' Ozzy yelled.  
  
'MEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWW,' Noodles yelled.  
  
'Don't know, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle yelled.  
  
'I don't know, baby,' Austin yelled.  
  
'He's somewhere,' Sara-Marie yelled.  
  
'He could be ANYWHERE,' Ellie yelled.  
  
'HIYA!!!!' the Iron Knuckle yelled.  
  
'Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!' Navi yelled, quoting the talking Malibu Stacey doll from The Simpsons.  
  
'Don't know, don't care!' Dag and Norb yelled.  
  
'He should be amongst the pile of rubble over there, all blown up in smithereens,' Osama Bin-Laden laughed evilly. In the time everyone had been talking, he had hitched himself into the hang-glider harness.  
  
'Mumbo here is!' a familiar caveman-like voice yelled.  
  
'MUMBO!!!!' everyone yelled except Bin-Laden (and the Iron Knuckle, Dag and Norb).  
  
Mumbo Jumbo ran up to the small group. He had lots of what looked like pink fur on him. There was also a lot of dust, but it wasn't as noticeable.  
  
'How did he survive?!' Bin-Laden wondered.  
  
'Magic Mumbo did, he warp to outside Bunny Bar. Mumbo still get dirty, think?' Mumbo asked.   
  
'You're very... fluffy,' Link smirked, then everyone cracked up laughing.  
  
When the group had finished laughing, they returned their attention to Bin-Laden. Trouble was, Bin-Laden was gone.  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's gone!' Ozzy yelled angrily. 'And I was looking forward to getting him...'  
  
Austin took out his binoculars. He looked around in the sky, and saw a hang-glider zooming through the air, towards a mountain. 'He's heading for that mountain, yeah baby yeah.'  
  
Everyone stopped their work on the tree.  
  
'Iron Knuckle, you can go now,' Link said. The Iron Knuckle took Link's axe, nodded politely, clicked his fingers and disappeared into thin air.  
  
'Dag and Norb, you can disappear too, or I'll get Mumbo to do it for ya.'   
  
'Uh, we're going,' Dag said and they disappeared too.  
  
'Okay. The matter of the Bunny Bar... let's go look through some rubble.'  
  
As the small group looked through the ruins, Sara-Marie found something.  
  
'It's the hologram machine!' she said.  
  
'Thanks for reminding me - you were going to say why the people were just holograms,' Link said.  
  
'Well... it's a long story, sort of.  
  
  
  
I was on Rove [Live], talking about the pantomime the Big Bro 1 crew did a while ago. Rove asked me to do my bum-dance, and when I did, I somehow disappeared and found this building. It was called the Bunny Bar.   
  
When I went in, there was no-one in sight. The food and drink was well-stocked, there were too many CDs to count, and the stage was set, but no-one was there. And since the bar was deep in the middle of a re-generating jungle, there was almost no hope of anyone to come for a drink.  
  
Then I found this funny machine. When I turned it on, people appeared.   
  
So I decided to make myself the owner of the Bar, and even though the people weren't real, I'd make some profit. I had been wondering if I would be able to get a plane back home when you guys came along.  
  
  
  
'The only real people in there were you and your group, and me,' Sara-Marie concluded.  
  
'Sara-Marie... er, do you mind if I call you Saria?' Link asked.  
  
'o_O Don't you dare call me that!'  
  
'Oh... okay then.'  
  
As the group returned to the ruins, celebrating the fact that everyone real in the bar got out unscathed, a rustling came from the bushes.  
  
'Huh?' Link wondered. He pulled his sword out and turned to face who/whatever was making the rustling.  
  
A man came out from the bushes. He was in a suit, and carried a ledger with him.  
  
'Who are you?' he asked Link.  
  
'Who are you, and why are you here?' Link asked, ignoring the man's question.  
  
'Me? I'm Ray Martin. The guy who's on A Current Affair.'  
  
'Vaguely familiar...'  
  
'You musn't be from Australia then,' Ray said.  
  
'I'm not, but I drop in to see my friend sometimes.'  
  
'Anyway, I'm here because... actually I'm not really sure. I was on holiday on a cruise ship in Bermuda, and I think we entered the Triangle. Somehow I ended up here in this jungle. Then I heard a big explosion, and when I came to look, you and your friends were here.'  
  
'Friends? No, not all of them are friends,' Link said. 'But I'll introduce ya anyways... Navi, my guardian fairy. Author, the Assistant Author of this fanfic who is also my guardian fairy in "Wherever The Hell We Are". Tingle, the 40-something Kokiri guy who doesn't have a fairy. Noodles, my friend's cat (don't worry about his size, we can fix that up). Austin Powers, well I'm sure you know him. Ozzy Osbourne... self-explanatory. Mumbo Jumbo, the skull guy, he's the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie/Tooie. Sara-Marie, she's the bum-dancing bunny-girl off Big Brother 1. Oh, and Ellie the pink elephant - don't ask. And finally, there's me - I'm Link, the Hero of Time.'  
  
'Uh... let me write that down...' Ray fumbled in his jacket for a pen.  
  
'So you want to know about the explosion? Well... Osama Bin-Laden was just here with a few bombs, and he blew Sara-Marie's Bunny Bar to "smithereens", as he called them. We all tried to stop him, but he got away.'  
  
'Osama Bin-Laden?! How come HE'S here?!' Ray asked.  
  
'He said he was hiding from George W. Bush, etc etc.'  
  
'Uh-huh. And why is Sara-Marie and Ozzy here?'  
  
'I don't know - you'll have to ask them.'  
  
'One more thing -'  
  
'Fire away.'  
  
'Why am I here?!'  
  
'I don't know, ask yourself that!'   
  
Meanwhile, everyone was searching for remains of beer, food and the bomb.  
  
'Hey! Here's a wire from the bomb!' Ellie yelled.  
  
'I found a bit!' Ozzy yelled.  
  
'Hey! There's a keg of Heine hidden in this bush!' Austin yelled. 'Groovy baby!'  
  
'Will you make Noodles his normal size now?' Author asked Navi. 'He's trying to eat me!'  
  
'Sure,' Navi replied. 'I wish Noodles was his normal size!' Noodles shrunk.  
  
'Link, come over here and help!' Sara-Marie yelled.  
  
'Oh, OK. Ray, you coming?' Link asked.  
  
'Alright. It's not like I have anything else to do.' Ray sighed, then joined in the hunt for bodies, beer, food and bomb pieces.  
  
'Tsk tsk. What have we here?' a voice asked.  
  
Link pulled his sword out again and pointed it at where the voice had come from.   
  
It was a judge. A court judge.  
  
'Hello,' Link said.  
  
'Don't point that at me,' the judge said. 'You don't want to be charged of any more crimes.'  
  
'WHAT?!'  
  
Everyone stopped digging and turned to face the judge.  
  
'Yes, that's right. Someone reported that you and your group of misfits blew this dance club up with a bomb, and threatened people with swords, bows, firearms, magic, books filled with "author powers" or something like that, an elephant, a giant cat and constant swearing.' The judge looked at Link's sword, and the .44 on the ground next to Ozzy's leg.  
  
'Hey! Don't threaten my hero!' Navi yelled. 'He saved Hyrule for crying out loud.'  
  
'He did, did he? Well let's just see when we get you lot in court.' The judge whistled and a band of police sprinted out from the bushes and handcuffed everyone except Ellie, Noodles and the fairies. Instead, Ellie was tranquilised and heaved into a small cage with wheels, Noodles stuffed into a cat-carrier and Navi and Author were put into bottles.  
  
The procession of "misfits" wasn't a happy sight as the judge led the way to a small path through the re-generating jungle.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
New Characters In This Chapter  
  
a snake (temporary)  
  
Sara-Marie from Australian Big Brother 1  
  
Osama Bin-Laden  
  
an Iron Knuckle (temporary)  
  
Dag and Norb (temporary)  
  
Ray Martin from A Current Affair (an Australian TV show)  
  
Court Judge (temporary)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After an explosive time at the Bunny Bar, Link, Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Ozzy, Mumbo and now Sara-Marie and Ray Martin, are travelling through the re-generating jungle with a court judge and several guards to a courtroom for the supposed task of blowing the Bunny Bar up when it was really Osama Bin-Laden who did it.   
  
How are they going to get out of this mess? Who's going to be their lawyer? Will Navi ever get the blood off of her? Will Dag and Norb appear again? Where did Bin-Laden go? Who dobbed the gang in? Why was there a "No (James) Bonds" sign in the Bunny Bar? Will Sara-Marie teach Austin the bum-dance? Will Ozzy ever stop swearing? Will Austin get to use his mojo in this fanfic? How many times do you think Tingle will say Kooloo-Limpah? Will Author ever get to use her "super special author powers" for real? Where did Ellie actually come from? Since when does the Bermuda Triangle teleport people to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?   
  
Will Link and Navi ever find their way out of this insane dream?!  
  
The only way to find out many of the answers is to keep reading One Really Weird Dream!  
  
  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
I guess you want hints for who stars in the next chapter...  
  
So here they are!  
  
Hint 1: What the!  
  
Hint 2: but I like the peanut M&M's...  
  
Hint 3: Jenny from the block  
  
I think only Aussies would be able to pick up the first one, and then only if they watch a certain show... And the second one? Think about the M&M's.  
  
  
  
Next Chapter: Tingle On Trial (Along With Everyone Else)  
  
That was the longest chapter yet, which makes up for the lack of updates.  
  
If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints for up-coming chapters, email me with your ideas. Or put include them in a review, I don't care how you do it.  
  
~~~ 


	5. Chapter 4: Tingle On Trial Along With Th...

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream  
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.  
  
Hello and welcome to this latest chapter of One Really Weird Dream! I'm charity236, your host. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you (hopefully) enjoyed the others.   
  
This chapter... The Trial! Will Link and co. be proved innocent or guilty for blowing up the Bunny Bar when it was really Osama Bin-Laden?! Plus... watch out for more swearing, the revealing of the court judge's REAL NAME, a talking M&M's dispenser and surprise witnesses!! All this and MUCH MORE in this chapter of One Really Weird Dream!  
  
PS: I am HURTING for reviews. Be nice :)  
  
Chapter 4: Tingle On Trial (Along With The Others)  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  
'Your honour, can we stop for a quick rest? I have an itch on my back I really want to get to, but I can't because of these handcuffs. Please can we take a break?' Link asked.  
  
'Well, I see no harm in that,' the judge said. 'Guards, make sure no-one escapes.'  
  
The police formed a rough circle around the group after removing everyone's handcuffs.  
  
'Are you guys hungry?' Link asked.  
  
'Mumbo much hungry.'  
  
'Yeah, Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Yeah baby yeah!'  
  
'O'course I'm f***ing hungry.'  
  
'Bring on the feast.'  
  
'Right now we'd rather get out of this bottle!'  
  
'Meow.'  
  
'ZZZZZZZZZ.'  
  
'But we haven't got any food on us.'  
  
'I do,' Link said. He drew out his sword-wand and flicked it a few times. A plate of sandwiches appeared from nowhere.  
  
'Hang on - that's a dagger!' the judge said, looking at Link's sword-wand.  
  
'No it's not, it's a wand that doubles as a small sword, but I don't need it for that purpose.'  
  
The judge looked at the wand with great interest, but Link magicked up food and drink without realising he was being watched.  
  
At that odd moment, a Pikachu jumped onto Ozzy's head for no apparent reason.  
  
'Oh no! A f***ing Pokémon!' Ozzy moaned.  
  
'Don't call it that or it'll zap you!' Link warned as the Pikachu jumped off of Ozzy's head and ran off into the bushes.  
  
'Hem hem,' said the judge again as she reminded Link not to do or say anything suspicious, in case that was added to the charges.  
  
Something seemed to have clicked in Author's head. 'Hey Link, is it just me, or does the way she say "hem hem" remind me of Umbridge?'  
  
'Who?' Link asked.  
  
'Oh that's right, you haven't read the fifth Harry Potter yet, have you?' Author remembered. 'Umbridge is the new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher. She also works for the Ministry, which means she is a complete and utter b****. But why she's in "Wherever The Hell We Are", posing as a court judge, I have NO idea.'  
  
'The fifth Harry Potter book's out?! Why didn't you tell me?' Link whispered loudly.  
  
'You never mentioned it before.'  
  
'Hem hem,' Umbridge cleared her throat. 'Everyone get ready, we're moving on.' She said this with extreme malice, which could have meant that she'd overheard Author talking about her.  
  
  
  
After the small break and a half-hour trek through the jungle, the group approached the bottom of a mountain.  
  
'Wow,' Link said. 'It's bigger than Death Mountain!'  
  
'Mumbo mountain it big than, sure for,' Mumbo exclaimed.  
  
'Well duh!'  
  
'Navi, have you noticed that Mumbo is speaking more and more like Yoda?' Author whispered. Navi snorted in reply.  
  
'Come on you lazy slackers, we've got to get you into court right away,' Umbridge said. 'I organised a trial for as soon as we got here.'  
  
'Just our luck, baby,' Austin moaned.  
  
'I sure hope we get a good lawyer,' Ellie said.  
  
'I'm hungry! Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle moaned.  
  
'But we had lunch half an hour ago!' Link said.  
  
'Just give Tingle food, Kooloo-Limpah.'   
  
Link gave in, and magicked up a meat pie.  
  
'Meow,' Noodles said, looking at the court building. He didn't like it.  
  
'Shut up you f***ing cat!' Ozzy yelled.  
  
'Don't pay out my kitty!' Author said. She really WAS his owner (in real life).  
  
The group walked into the building, looking around with disclosed interest.  
  
Lawyers were dashing about everywhere.  
  
'I didn't think that "Wherever The Hell We Are" would HAVE a court system,' Link said amusedly. 'I mean, this IS my DREAM here!'  
  
Everyone looked at Navi angrily.  
  
'What? Just because I can wish stuff up on command doesn't mean I wished a COURT SYSTEM up!' Navi yelled.  
  
They all turned away. When Link did so, he came up face-to-face with the group's lawyer.  
  
'Lionel Hutz, attourney-in-law. I also do shoe repairs. And to make sure you don't forget me, I'll give you my business card. Look, it turns into a sponge!'  
  
'Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!! It's the lawyer from The Simpsons!' Link yelled.  
  
'Damn, I forgot that I need to change these cards! My old office will be a Starbucks in about ten minutes.'  
  
'There's not just ONE lawyer from The Simpsons, but TWO!' Author groaned, looking at the blue-haired lawyer who had let her sign the contract saying she was the namer of "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh even more!!!!' Link yelled.  
  
'Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you,' the blue-haired lawyer said.  
  
'Come on, I haven't got all day! We've got a trial to run!' Umbridge said irritably, and she led the group into the courtroom.  
  
  
  
The jury looked up to see a ragtag bunch of no-hopers enter the room. Well, that's what one jury member called them.  
  
Link came in first, his Kokiri Tunic looking a bit grubby and ragged. Navi (who was still covered in snake blood) and Author flew behind him, glad to get out of the bottle. Noodles (looking very nonplussed), Tingle (who kept muttering Kooloo-Limpah) and Ellie (trying hard to avoid strangling herself with her trunk) walked at Link's side.  
  
Next came Austin, Ozzy and Mumbo, side-by-side. Ozzy was in the middle so that if he tried to run out, Mumbo would whack him on the head with his skull thing and Austin would... never mind.  
  
Last came Sara-Marie (she looked snobbish in her stylish bunny pyjamas and ears) and Ray Martin (who was pleading with the guards to let him go, since he was a news reporter).  
  
When the group had all sat down at their table (a very difficult task for a group that size) with Lionel Hutz, the blue-haired lawyer came in with a man no-one had ever seen before.  
  
This man had red hair and darkish skin. At first glance Link thought it was Ganondorf! But no, Ganondorf wouldn't wear baggy jeans and a Wutang top.  
  
'Who's he, baby?' asked Austin.  
  
'No idea,' Author replied.  
  
'Could be Ganondorf, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle wondered.  
  
'Tingle, Ganondorf wouldn't wear THAT!!' Link laughed.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles meowed and pawed at Link's leg, indicating he smelt something wrong with the new guy.  
  
'I sure hope he ain't working for that Al-Qaida s***, or I'll blast him,' Ozzy growled, patting his .44.  
  
'Bad Ozzy,' Navi said. 'We'll get a worse charge if you kill him.'  
  
'Since when are you the court system encyclopedia?' Link asked.  
  
'E=mc2,' Navi said hastily.  
  
'What?'  
  
'S*** up.'  
  
'How the hell is that possible?!'  
  
'Shut up. Came out the wrong way last time, sorry.'  
  
'Rrrriiiigggghhhhtttt.'  
  
'Will everyone please SHUT UP!!!!' Umbridge yelled.  
  
'OK already!' Link yelled back.  
  
'I'm keeping my eye on you,' Umbridge warned Link.  
  
'Boy she means it,' Author said.  
  
'Court is now in session.'  
  
  
  
'We have a Mr. Peter Barker here, against the group consisting of Link the Hero of Time, Navi the fairy, Author the author of this fanfic in fairy form, Tingle the overage map-selling Kokiri, Noodles the Ragdoll cat, Austin Powers the International Man of Mystery, Ellie the pink elephant, Ozzy Osbourne the rock star, Mumbo Jumbo the best shaman in Banjo-Kazooie, Sara-Marie the bunny-girl from Big Brother and Ray Martin, host of A Current Affair,' Umbridge said, taking a deep breath. 'Their charges are: bomb threats, which carries a sentence of death by steamrollers, ill-tempered mutated sea bass and laser-beam sharks; hostage-taking, which carries a sentence of jail for three months; breaking a door, which carries a sentence of fixing ten doors; constant swearing, which carries a sentence of mental hospital for a month; partly chopping down the third-largest palm tree in "Wherever The Hell We Are", which carries a sentence of death by axe; and threatening with swords, guns, a book full of "super special author powers", magic gold dust, bow and arrow, an elephant, two beavers, an Iron Knuckle, an Iron Knuckle's axe, a giant cat, some Pokemon and a sword-wand, which carries a sentence of death by having all of those objects set on them.'  
  
'Oh hell,' Link whispered.  
  
Peter Barker grinned. Link was sure he'd seen someone grin similarly before, but who was it?  
  
'I call Mr. Peter Barker to the stand,' said the blue-haired lawyer. 'Okay, do you swear to God that you will not lie, et cetera, et cetera, let's get onto the questions.'  
  
'Of course I swear to not lie.'  
  
Link noticed the man's accent. Arabian, or Chinese perhaps? He couldn't tell.  
  
'Fair enough. Now, your honour, in the middle of the jungle, there was a dance club, formally known as the Bunny Bar, was it not, Mr. Barker?'  
  
'Yes. I went there with all my friends on many occasions. Luckily they were not there at the time...'  
  
'Tell us your account of what happened at the Bunny Bar earlier today.'  
  
  
  
[Peter's POV] The Bunny Bar was very busy at the time. People dancing, drinking, talking with some mates.  
  
Well, I was dancing with some people I'd just met, when I noticed a new group of people come in. A weird-looking bunch they were. A guy in a green tunic with a sword and shield, two fairies, a guy from the 60's, a midget with a red nose, a pink and yellow skull thing and a pink elephant.  
  
  
  
'Where was Sara-Marie, Ray Martin, the cat and Ozzy Osbourne?' the lawyer asked.  
  
'I didn't even know Ray was in the area at all, he must have come later. The cat and Ozzy must have been outside - you all know how Ozzy hates dance clubs. And animals aren't allowed.'  
  
'Then what about Ellie the elephant?'  
  
'I don't know, it might just be a costume.'  
  
'And Sara-Marie?'  
  
'She was dancing on the front stage of the bar. She was the owner.'  
  
Gasps from the crowd. 'Why would the owner want to blow her own bar up?' 'It's insane!'  
  
'ORDER! ORDER!' Umbridge yelled, and Peter was allowed to continue.  
  
  
  
I watched the sword guy go up to the counter with the red fairy, but there must have been something wrong, or maybe they recognised her, because they went up to the stage and talked to Sara-Marie. Then they just got up and went over to the doors on the other side of the room, where a fight was taking place. The sword guy got pushed into the door and crashed through it. I don't know what happened in the room, but the other people in the guy's group went over to see what happened. After even longer Ozzy and the cat came into the bar and dashed over to the room, and eventually the whole group came out, shouting about a bomb.  
  
That's all I saw before I was pushed out of the bar in the haste to escape.  
  
  
  
'Fair explanation. Now a few questions. Why was the fairy red?'  
  
'I do not know, maybe it was that colour naturally?'  
  
'Uh... I believe they are all the questions I can ask for now.'  
  
'Thank you,' Peter said, and he got up from the box and back to his table.  
  
'I call Link to the stand,' Lionel said.  
  
'Go Link!'  
  
'You can do it!'  
  
'Give 'em all you got, f***ing pretty-boy!'  
  
'Go baby go!'  
  
'Mumbo want Link do good.'  
  
'Go, Kooloo-Limpah!'  
  
'Meow!'  
  
  
  
Lionel walked up and down, looking at Link. The Hylian showed no emotion on his face, being used to doing that. He just blinked and breathed when necessary.  
  
'Please would you kindly tell us YOUR version of events in brief?'  
  
'Well, as brief as I can get it without leaving out everything,' Link joked. Some people laughed.  
  
  
  
[Link's POV] Me and the group (Navi, Author, Tingle, Austin, Ozzy, Ellie, Mumbo and Noodles) were traipsing through the jungle when Ozzy said he couldn't stand us any longer and he walked off. Five seconds later he came back saying there was a large snake in front of a dance club.  
  
We went to check the snake out and it swallowed Navi, so Ellie stomped on it, leaving Navi blood-coloured, and a large red patch on the ground.  
  
Then we all (except Noodles and Ozzy) went into the bar. Navi needed cleaning up, and everyone else wanted a break from walking.  
  
  
  
'So that explains why Navi is red,' Lionel said thoughtfully. 'Because she was swallowed by a snake which Ellie squished and killed. Makes sense to me. Continue.'  
  
  
  
The group split up. Austin and Ellie went into the dancing crowd; Tingle and Author sat down at the bar for a drink, and Navi and I went looking for a bathroom. I went up to the bar to ask, but no-one listened. Then on closer inspection of the room, I saw Sara-Marie on the stage. I went up and - asked for her autograph...  
  
  
  
Link went red as Umbridge asked, 'Can we see the autograph?' Link pulled the signed Bunny Hood out of his bag and held it out for Umbridge to examine.  
  
'And what is this?' Umbridge asked.  
  
'It's a Bunny Hood. It lets me run faster.'  
  
Umbridge gave it back with a grumpy look.  
  
  
  
I then asked Sara-Marie where the bathroom was, but she was dancing with someone else now. Which left Navi and I to find the room by ourselves.  
  
We found a bunch of doors. While deciding which one to enter, I was accidentally caught up in a fight and slammed into one of the doors. The door was so thin I crashed a hole into it that was my shape.  
  
Anyway, I fell half-way down some stairs. After checking I was alright, we went down to see if it was a bathroom. I tripped on something.  
  
It was a bomb. An armed bomb. So I did the best thing to do. I disarmed it.  
  
Then Navi said, "Who would put a bomb in the middle of a basement in a dance club?"  
  
And someone replied. A dangerous Afghanistani someone.  
  
  
  
Lionel guessed who at once. 'Osama Bin-Laden?!'  
  
'Yep, spot on.'  
  
Link looked around the room, and noticed Peter looking extremely shifty. Odd.  
  
  
  
Anyway, we argued and talked and argued some more before Austin, Ellie, Sara-Marie, Author and Tingle came in. Austin had his handgun out, Ellie bore her trunk, Author had a book of "super special author powers", Sara-Marie grasped her bunny ears, and Tingle had nothing except his Tingle Tuner.  
  
There were more death threats before Bin-Laden had us tied up to chairs and blindfolded.  
  
  
  
'So what was Ozzy and Noodles doing during that time?' Lionel asked.  
  
'I can fill that one, f***head,' Ozzy said. 'And sorry about the swearing, can't f***ing help it.' Umbridge frowned at this, but kept quiet.  
  
  
  
[Ozzy's POV] We were outside the f***ing dance club, waiting for the f***in pretty-boy and the others to come back out. But that f***ing cat kept pawing my leg until I asked what he was f***ing up to. He led me to a f***ing tiny basement window.   
  
"There's no f***ing way I'm crawling through that," I said. The f***ing cat meowed, so I picked it up and went inside the f***ing entrance to the f***ing club.   
  
Noodles pointed the way to a door with a hole that f***ing pretty-boy's size through it. We went down the f***ing stairs and found f***ing Bin-Laden with an AK-47, holding the guys hostage.  
  
  
  
'That explains a lot.'  
  
'Excuse me, but aren't I the one being questioned at the moment?' Link asked.  
  
'Oh yeah.'  
  
Link explained the rest of the day's happenings, with various interruptions from Tingle (who was hungry and kept asking Link to magic up some food).  
  
'Well... we've seen both sides of the story. What now?' Lionel asked the judge.  
  
'Have you got any other witnesses?' Judge asked the two lawyers.  
  
'Um... I call Sara-Marie to the stand,' the blue-haired lawyer exclaimed.  
  
Sara-Marie was seated, and the questions were asked.  
  
'Miss Sara-Marie, why were you even in the Bunny Bar at the time?'  
  
'You were told before, I owned it. But only for about a day.'  
  
'Why only a day?'  
  
'It all started with an interview on a talk show named Rove [Live]...'  
  
  
  
[Sara-Marie's POV] "...Please give a warm fuzzy bunny welcome to Sara-Marie!"  
  
I came into the room and sat down in the chair next to Rove McManus, the host.  
  
"Welcome back to the show, Sara-Marie. It's been about a year, hasn't it?" Rove asked.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"In that time you released a music single with the Sirens, started your own pyjama range and now the panto."  
  
"Yeah, I've been pretty busy. But the pantomime was all Blair's idea, you know."  
  
"I watch him on Neighbours."  
  
"Well of course."  
  
"So which charity did the money go to? Er, the money raised with the panto?"  
  
"The Starlight Foundation."  
  
"What was it like, playing Cinderella?"  
  
"It was hilarious."  
  
After a bit more talk like that, we came to an ad break. Rove asked me to do my trade-mark bum dance, which I did. But when I did it - I somehow warped into a jungle.  
  
"What?!"  
  
I stumbled around until I found the Bunny Bar, and it all took off from there...  
  
  
  
'Happy now? 'Cause there's nothing else I can tell ya,' Sara-Marie said, straightening her bunny-ears up.  
  
'I'm happy. NOT! Send in my surprise witness!' the blue-haired lawyer yelled.  
  
The doors opened and a handsome man in a suit walked in, guided by two security guards.  
  
'What are you doing?! I'm not meant to be in here! I need to get back to my show!' the man yelled. Then he saw the people at the stand.  
  
'Okay, I'm dreaming. Austin Powers? A funny pink skull thing?! Ray Martin?!? Fairies?!?! OZZY OSBOURNE?!?!? A bunch of weird people I've only ever seen in video ga- Pinch me.'  
  
One of the security guards pinched him.  
  
'Ow, not literally!'  
  
'Sorry.'  
  
Link turned around in his hard wooden chair and saw Rove McManus.  
  
'YOU'RE the surprise witness?!' Link yelled.  
  
'YOU'RE a video game character!!' Rove yelled.  
  
'Too right I am!' both Link and Rove yelled at the same time.  
  
They both stared at each other for a moment, then took out pieces of paper. 'Can I have your autograph?'  
  
'Shucks! Remember people, this is a COURT ROOM, not a socialisation club or whatever!' Umbridge yelled.  
  
'Shut it, Umbridge,' Link threatened. He was starting to see what Author meant about the woman being "a complete and utter b****". 'We need to settle a few scores first.' He held the piece of paper out to Rove.  
  
'I will if you will,' Rove nodded, his own piece of paper held out in front of him. 'And while we're at it, can I get you guys' autographs?' he asked the rest of the group.  
  
'Who is this groovy person?' Austin asked Ray.  
  
'Rove McManus. Haven't you been listening to what Sara-Marie said?'  
  
'No, baby.'  
  
'Go figure.'  
  
'While all this autography is going on, we might as well adjourn,' Umbridge announced angrily. 'I need to grab some eats.'  
  
'Did you say Authorgraphy?' Author asked.  
  
'No, I said AUTOGRAPHY.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'Did you say Austinogra-?' Austin asked.  
  
'Don't even think about it, mojo man,' Umbridge grumbled.  
  
'Come on you guys, let's go outside,' Link exclaimed to the group.  
  
'Good idea, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle agreed.  
  
'Why don't you f***ing shut up, Tingle?' Ozzy asked. 'THAT would be a good idea.'  
  
  
  
Outside, Navi and Author had found a large food-dispensing machine which sold chips and M&M's.  
  
'I want some!' Navi yelled.  
  
'You're lucky I have some money that is compatible with this food dispenser,' Author grumbled.  
  
'What?'  
  
'In words you can understand, you're lucky I have Australian money. Somehow I think that's all this machine can take.'  
  
'Whatever. Okay... hmmm, those M&M's look good...' Navi pressed the button for normal M&M's, Author put the correct money in and they waited.   
  
After a few minute's quiet waiting there was still nothing coming from the machine.  
  
'What the hell is wrong with this machine?!' Navi yelled, kicking the hunk of junk.  
  
'Hey don't do that!' came a voice from inside the machine.  
  
'Eh?' both Navi and Author wondered. 'Who are you and why are you in that machine?'  
  
'You get me out of here, I spill the M&M's,' the voice said.  
  
'Well how do we get you out?'  
  
'On the side of this thing there's a bunch of screws. Get them out and lift the cover off.'  
  
'We're tiny fairies, how do you expect us to do that?'  
  
The voice had nothing to say to that.  
  
'Well... I don't think "mighty Mumbo magic" will help at all, and the others wouldn't want to help...' Author thought.  
  
'I wish for someone or something that can help us get the screws out of this machine so we can find out who's inside!' Navi said, and immediately a guy in beige-coloured overalls came over to them.  
  
'You called?' the guy asked.  
  
'I know you! You're the repairman guy from The Sims!' Author said in surprise.  
  
'That's right. Now what do you want fixed?'  
  
'Um, we think there's someone inside this food-dispensing machine. We need you to unscrew the cover on the side to get the person out,' Navi explained.  
  
'I can do that,' the repairman said. 'There's nothing that I can't do!'  
  
'Is, by any chance, your name so-very-coincidentally Bob?' Author asked.  
  
'Yep, peoples like callin' me Bob the Builder,' Bob said, chest puffed out.  
  
'Let me get this straight. You're the repair guy from The Sims but your name is Bob the Builder. That doesn't work.'  
  
'How about I make it so it does?' Navi grinned. She made a wish, and Bob the Builder really WAS Bob the Builder.  
  
'Aaaaaaaaahhh! One thing's for sure, you're NOT coming with us when our trial's over!' Author yelped at Bob.  
  
Bob said nothing and got onto his job of unscrewing the food-dispensing machine.  
  
After a couple of minutes, the cover fell off and the person inside the machine came out.  
  
Well... okay, he wasn't exactly a person.  
  
Author and Navi goggled at the Red M&M. 'Since when do you get stuffed inside dispenser machines?!'  
  
'I don't. Someone swallowed me and I found myself in that thing. But the instruction booklet was left inside there so I was able to learn how to get out.'   
  
'Right.'  
  
'Hey Link,' Author yelled, 'you would never guess who we just found!'  
  
'The Red M&M,' Link replied.  
  
'How did you know?!'  
  
'I have EARS, duh!'  
  
'Oh yeah. Kinda forgot.'  
  
Link was continously zapping up meat pies for Tingle and the others. It was quite annoying now.  
  
'Everyone must come back inside now,' Umbridge yelled. 'The trial is going to continue.'  
  
'F***,' Link muttered.  
  
  
  
For some reason, Red had followed the group inside. Bob the Builder was nowhere to be seen, thankfully (presumably Mumbo had zapped him back home).  
  
After a few hours of more people going up to the stand, it was (last but not least) Noodles' turn. Being a cat, of course, he had to have a cat-interpretor say what he was meowing on about.  
  
'...So you say that Navi made you grow to the size of a Siberian tiger just to cut your friend's ropes?' the interpretor asked.  
  
Noodles meowed and nodded.  
  
'That's fair,' Lionel smiled.  
  
'Hem hem,' Umbridge snarled.  
  
'Shut up Umbridge,' everyone yelled.  
  
'Hmmm. Well since you've got that attitude, I might as well state you GUIL-'  
  
'What's going on in here?' a blondish woman asked, head poking out from behind the doors.  
  
Link, naturally, turned around in his chair to see who it was. He expected anyone BUT J. Lo!  
  
'For your big fat information, Jenny,' Umbridge snapped, 'we're having a trial to see whether this bunch of flea-bitten clowns blew up the Bunny Bar with a bomb. And what might YOU be doing here?'  
  
'I? I'm filming part of a new movie. And who are these "flea-bitten clowns" that are on trial?'  
  
'THESE flea-bitten clowns,' Link yelled, arms spread out behind him, indicating himself and the rest of the group.  
  
Jennifer scanned the people in the group. 'NONE of you are flea-bitten clowns! Except maybe that squat guy with his underpants on the outside of his shorts...'  
  
Peter laughed at this.  
  
Something clicked in Link's mind. He knew who Peter Barker really was.  
  
'Excuse me, Um-BRIDGE, but I'd like to show you something,' Link growled, standing up.  
  
'Go right ahead, Li-INK,' Umbridge replied coldly.  
  
Link stomped over to Peter and drew his hand back. Umbridge, thinking he was going to swipe his sword at Peter, started to get up out of her seat, but Link just grabbed the top of Peter's head and pulled.  
  
'What are you doing?!' Navi and Umbridge asked at the same time.  
  
'This ain't Peter Barker, this is...' A rubber mask-like thing came off of Peter's head, 'Osama Bin-Laden!'  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Ozzy yelled. He whipped out his .44, cocked it and aimed it at Bin-Laden's head.  
  
'I thought you said he'd never find out!!' Umbridge yelled at Bin-Laden before taking her wand.  
  
'WHAT?!' everyone yelled at once.  
  
'You KNEW?!' Link yelled, full of rage. He unsheathed the Master Sword and ran over to Umbridge before she could do anything, and held the steel blade at her neck. 'You KNEW... Well you're going to die for that!'  
  
'Link, NO!!' Lionel jumped up. 'You can't kill her or you'll get stuck in prison for life!'  
  
'Don't tell me what I can and can't do,' Link snarled as he watched Ozzy hold his .44 so the tip was just touching Bin-Laden's head.  
  
'Don't do it,' Jennifer said quietly.  
  
At that moment, several things happened. There was a giant CRACK like a gunshot; everyone except Link and Umbridge ducked; Noodles meowed hysterically as he escaped from the witnesses' box; and the jury cleared their throats, as though the trial had gone too far.  
  
'What was that?' Sara-Marie asked as she opened her eyes. There was no sign of blood, Bin-Laden was still in the room, and the jury had now stood up,ready to make their verdict.  
  
'I don't know, but Umbridge is gone! S***!!' Link swore. 'She must have Disapparated.'  
  
'This trial has gone for too long,' a spokesperson for the jury said. 'Our verdict is... not guilty, despite everything that you did both in the Bunny Bar and in here.'  
  
'Woo-hoo! I'm - er, WE'RE in the money, we're in the money...' Lionel started dancing on the tabletop.  
  
'Damn! Looks like I'm going to have to find another way to get rid of you jerks!' Bin-Laden groaned. He jumped up from his seat and headed for the open window.  
  
Ozzy and Austin immediately started shooting at the escapee, while Mumbo invoked some "mighty Mumbo magic", Red (the M&M) took out a peashooter and shot M&M's Minis, and Link found his bow and let fly some arrows. None of the projectiles hit their target.  
  
'NO!!!!' everyone yelled as they realised Bin-Laden had got away.  
  
'Still, why are we complaining? We got off, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle said happily.  
  
'Good point. Okay you guys, we're heading off,' Link announced. 'J. Lo, you coming with us?'  
  
'Well... alright - it's not like I'm going to be needed for ages, my appearance in the new film is only a cameo,' Jennifer nodded.  
  
'Cool. So... Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Austin, Ellie, Mumbo, Ozzy, Sara-Marie, Ray, Red, Jennifer - we're going!' Link yelled, and the group made their way out of the court building.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
New Characters in This Chapter  
  
  
  
Umbridge as the court judge (temporary)  
  
A random Pikachu (temporary)  
  
Lionel Hutz (temporary)  
  
The blue-haired lawyer from The Simpsons (temporary)  
  
Peter Barker/Osama Bin-Laden  
  
Rove McManus  
  
Red the M&M  
  
The repairman from The Sims (temporary)  
  
Bob the Builder (temporary)  
  
Jennifer Lopez/J. Lo  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Now that Link and co. are FINALLY out of the courtroom, they can return to their quest for the "mysterious hut". There's just one problem in the way: a giant mountain. Not to mention Osama Bin-Laden. No wait, that's two problems.  
  
Anyway, there's going to be three MORE problems added to their worries - in a LOTR- and Harry Potter-influenced chapter! I know, it had to happen sometime...  
  
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"!  
  
  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
Some more hints you want? Why didn't you say so?! In fact, I've decided to have FOUR hints this time!  
  
Hint 1: "Oh, I shouldn't have said that..."  
  
Hint 2: All that is gold does not glitter  
  
Hint 3: my "precious"  
  
Hint 4: Goron-eater  
  
LOTR fans should get the second and third ones easy, while anyone who's seen the first Harry Potter movie might get the first one. As for the last, well I ain't giving any extra help - you're on your own.  
  
PS Please review.  
  
PPS If you want to suggest your own Super Fun Happy Hints, you can email them to me.  
  
~~~ 


	6. Chapter 5: I Want My Precious! Part One

Author Chronicles: One Really Weird Dream  
  
another really weird fanfic by charity236  
  
Disclaimer: I didn't create Zelda or most other characters in here. All real people in this fanfic own themselves. I only created Author, Ellie and a few other characters. Noodles is my kitty. Mine, ALL MINE! Oh, and flames will be given to Rauru to melt his chocolate coins.  
  
Hi. Yes, a new chapter. I know it's been a long time, but I've been extremely busy with schoolwork (agghh!), friends, video-game playing (heh) and other fanfics (some that are not on Fanfiction.net, some that are, and some that will be posted in the future). But at the time of writing I am in the middle of my school holidays, so I have more time to write stuff :D  
  
Speaking of writing, this chapter was so big that I couldn't fit all of it into one file (blame my computer's low memory), so I've had to put it in TWO parts. I'll print the next part next week (and if not then, ASAP).  
  
Anyway, this is a (kinda) LOTR and Harry Potter influenced chapter. Link and his rather large group have just left the court building - and found a gigantic mountain. DOH! In fact, it's really an active volcano. DOUBLE DOH!! And going under the mountain could be the only way past it... TRIPLE DOH!!!  
  
Be prepared for giant people (hint hint), the afore-mentioned dark tunnels, more swearing (mostly from Ozzy), more violence (from pretty much), dragons, sword-fighting, Monty Python references (Ni!)... and in Part Two, there's also a "Mysterious Ring Which Doesn't Do What You'd Think It Would Do" (no, REALLY! I mean it!), and Gollum. SINGING Gollum. This is the most ridiculous chapter yet!  
  
Oh and PLEASE review, I'm hurtin' for some. No flames, and don't sue.  
  
  
  
Chapter 5: I Want My "Precious"! - Part One  
  
Link was the first out of the court building. He sighed in relief, then saw the gigantic mountain in front of them.  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'Mind your language,' Navi said stiffly.  
  
'You'd swear too if you saw that giant mountain,' Link replied.  
  
Navi looked up and saw the mountain.  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'Told you,' Link shrugged.  
  
'Shut the hell up you two!' Ozzy snapped, then he saw the mountain as well.  
  
'F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  
  
'How the hell are we going to get across this huge mountain?!' Author asked hysterically.  
  
'Don't ask me,' Jennifer stated.  
  
'No Mumbo know,' Mumbo said blankly.  
  
'I have no frickin' idea,' Navi snapped.  
  
'Just shut up you b**** fairy,' Ozzy groaned.  
  
'Crikey that's a big mountain, yeah baby yeah!' Austin remarked.  
  
'There's no way I'm going up that, to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle shivered. 'Well... unless there's a chairlift.'  
  
'Meow!' Noodles meowed.  
  
'Uh... do we burrow like rabbits?' Sara-Marie suggested stupidly, still clutching her bunny ears.  
  
'Don't be ridiculous!' Navi laughed.  
  
'This whole THING is ridiculous!' Ray shook his head.  
  
'Not my fault you're here with us,' Author said smartly.  
  
~Actually it is,~ Big Author's voice pointed out. ~You're writing this.~  
  
'No, YOU are!'  
  
~You!~  
  
'You!'  
  
~You!~  
  
'Me!'  
  
~Yeah, me!~  
  
'...????'  
  
~What?~  
  
'Okay, you're just confusing me now.'  
  
~No really, you ARE writing this. I'm just here as a backup in case anything should happen to you in this fanfic.~  
  
'Which means that whatever I write affects everyone in this fanfic and the eventual end and all the other fanfics in the Chronicles which come afterwards which means...'  
  
~Which means you're basically arguing with yourself about future Author Chronicles fanfics which you have not released information about.~  
  
'Oh am I? Well maybe I should start arguing to myself about when I'm going to release that infor-'  
  
'Look Author, when you've stopped your subconscious squabbling, can we just get back to what we were doing before?' Link asked irritably.  
  
'Good point...' Author said ashamedly.  
  
The whole group just stood there for a few minutes, wondering how they were going to get over the mountain, when there was a loud noise from about a kilometre away.  
  
'What was that?' Ellie asked worriedly.  
  
'I dunno, but we should go find out,' Link nodded, and he took out his sword. 'Oh, if any of you guys have coats or something, put them on now. It's cold up there!'  
  
Navi, Author, Tingle, Noodles, Mumbo, Ellie and Red admitted they didn't have any clothes (apart from what they had on).  
  
'Navi, you DO have "super special wishing power", don't you?' Link pointed out.  
  
'Oh yeah. I wish we all had warm clothes!' Navi wished, and immediately everyone was wearing a warm coat or jacket and gloves.  
  
'Not quite what I had in mind,' Link frowned, indicating his new black leather overcoat and cloak which had appeared as a result of Navi's wish, 'but it'll do.'  
  
'Better nothing than,' Mumbo shivered. He was still cold, despite the fact that he now had on a bodysuit that somewhat resembled the Michelin man, or maybe Fat Bastard.  
  
'Okay, everyone ready?' Link asked, and everyone nodded or said, 'Yeah.'   
  
The group started trudging through the newly-falling snow, which was already about half a metre from the ground. There was another loud noise - just louder this time.  
  
'Maybe we should hurry up,' Ray thought. He was wearing a pinstriped coat.  
  
'Good idea,' Jennifer nodded in her baby-pink hooded jacket, lined with white fake fur.  
  
'Meow,' Noodles agreed. He was now in a little cat jumper with matching booties. It was really sweet.  
  
  
  
'Hello? Anybody out there?' Link yelled into the snowy wilderness as they approached a pine forest.  
  
'Link, you ever heard of AVALANCHES?!' Navi asked.   
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Do you know what they ARE?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Do you know what they DO?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Do you know what can happen if you START ONE?'  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'Then stop YELLING!'  
  
'Speak for yourself,' Red groaned, then he noticed Mumbo trying to get a lick of his chocolate shell. 'No you don't!'  
  
'But Mumbo chocolate want,' Mumbo moaned. 'Hungry Mumbo is.'  
  
'Not again!' Link wheezed. He found his sword-wand and magicked up yet another meat pie, which Mumbo snatched up eagerly. 'Look, if anyone else wants something to eat, say so now, 'cause this is the last time I'm doing this before we get to the other side of the mountain!' Everyone dashed up to Link to take a meat pie.  
  
After the short snack, the group resumed whatever they were doing, just as there was another loud noise. It sounded as though they were getting close to its source.  
  
'I think we're getting close, baby,' Austin grinned as the group struggled through the chest-deep snow, trying to avoid getting whacked in the face by a low snow-covered tree branch.  
  
'Easy for you to say,' Sara-Marie mumbled. She was near the back of the group, while Austin was close to the front.  
  
Ozzy was in about the middle of the group, so he stopped for a moment. He hid behind a tree, bended a low branch back and waited for Tingle to pass by. But he didn't come.  
  
'Tingle, come here mate!' Ozzy called. What he didn't know was that Tingle was creeping up behind him, a large snowball in hand.  
  
Tingle threw the snowball and it hit Ozzy right on target, making him let go of the tree branch in surprise, whacking Sara-Marie instead.  
  
'Ow! That really hurt, Ozzy!!' Sara-Marie yelled, and she bent the branch back to whack Ozzy himself.  
  
'C***! You're gonna get it now, f***ing Ooompa-Loompa man!' Ozzy snarled cheekily as he scooped up a snowball of his own.  
  
The rest of the group were about ten metres ahead when Link finally realised that Ozzy, Tingle and Sara-Marie were having a snowball fight - Ozzy had screamed because the branch had whupped his bum so incredibly hard he thought he'd have a bruise for weeks.  
  
'You three, come on!' Link yelled. He got a snowball in the face in return. 'Ooh you're going to pay for that!' Link made some snowballs of his own and chucked them at Ozzy. They hit right on target.  
  
'S***, you got a good aim there, pretty-boy!' Ozzy threw another snowball but it missed and hit Austin on the back of the head instead.  
  
'What was that?' Austin asked and saw Ozzy grinning at him from nearby. 'You're on, Ozzy baby!' The shagadelic spy gathered some snowballs to throw at Ozzy. A few missed, instead hitting most of the rest of the group.  
  
Mumbo was using his "mighty Mumbo magic" to make extra large snowballs; Author and Navi, being too small to throw big snowballs (they could almost have been used as snowballs themselves!), used peashooters; Jennifer, Sara-Marie, Red and Ray had teamed together and were now ganging up on Link, Rove, Author and Navi; Noodles just flitted around, kicking snow at everyone he could find.  
  
Tingle had now started throwing objects other than snowballs - paper planes made from his rather bad maps, branches from the tree, even the occasional Bomb from out of his pocket. He aimed them all at Ozzy.  
  
But what happens when Bombs explode near snow?...  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!  
  
Snow flew everywhere. Link yelled and grabbed Author, Navi and Noodles just as a huge pile of snow came tumbling down on them; while everyone else just ducked. Unfortunately they too were covered in snow.  
  
A long silence settled over the area where ten seconds ago there had been one Hylian, two fairies, a large cat, a pink elephant, a pink and yellow skull thing, a large red-shelled chocolate, a map-making nutter who wore his underpants on the outside of his shorts, a psychedelic man from the 60's and five assorted celebrities, all having a snowball fight.  
  
[sounds of crickets, unnatural coughing and tumbleweeds]  
  
  
  
'?'  
  
There were sounds somewhere above Link. Something like digging. After a few minutes, Link could suddenly see the light.  
  
'I see the light!'  
  
'Is tha' you, Link?' asked a very familiar voice.  
  
'HAGRID?!'  
  
'The one an' on'y. Wha' yeh doin' 'ere, trapped under this snow?'  
  
'I'll tell you if you dig us out.'  
  
'Us?'  
  
'There's more people under here - I reckon they'd be suffocating by now!'  
  
'Oh. Right. Can yer lend a hand?' Hagrid asked.  
  
'Sure - I still got my shovel.'  
  
Hagrid grabbed onto Link's outstretched arms and pulled him out of the hole. Author, Navi and Noodles flew/jumped out after him.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles exclaimed, looking at Hagrid.  
  
'Aaaaachoo!' Hagrid sneezed.  
  
'Are you allergic to cats?' Link asked in surprise.  
  
'Yep. Yer better kip that 'un away from me.'  
  
Link and Hagrid started digging with their shovels. Even Noodles lent a hand - er, paw.  
  
'I found some'un!' Hagrid yelled after a bit. He helped Rove out from the snow.  
  
'That,' Rove panted, 'was bad. I don't EVER want to do that again.'  
  
After a few more minutes, Austin, Jennifer, Sara-Marie and Ray had been found.  
  
'How far down are the others anyway?' Hagrid asked.  
  
'Why don't we just leave them there?' Sara-Marie suggested. 'Mumbo and Tingle are really annoying.'  
  
'Good point, but... we'd get in trouble if they died in this fanfic,' Author sighed. 'And then their creators would sue us...'  
  
'This is ridiculous,' Link moaned. 'Stand back everyone, and if you catch on fire it's your own fault!' He used Din's Fire and the snow melted instantly, revealing Ozzy, Red, Mumbo, Tingle and Ellie.  
  
'Air! Sweet, nourishing air - to be sure, to be sure!' Tingle jumped for joy.  
  
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy grunted.  
  
'Nothing that was,' Mumbo shrugged. '"Mumbo mighty magic" breathe Mumbo make.'  
  
'Ah shut the f*** up,' Ozzy repeated.  
  
'Only a few more centimetres and my trunk would've reached the surface,' Ellie boasted.  
  
'Ah shut the f*** up.'  
  
'Why don't YOU?'  
  
'Ah shut the f*- hell no!'  
  
'BOTH of you shut up,' Link snapped.  
  
'Who are these people anyway?' Hagrid asked.  
  
'Uh... I hope you have a good memory, I really hope so... me and Navi you already know, um... Author, she's that fairy - no, not the red one, that's Navi covered in snake blood, don't ask... Tingle, that's the little shrimp over there with his underpants on the outside of his shorts -' ('Hey!' Tingle yelled, offended) '- er, the cat's Noodles, weird name - again, don't ask; Austin Powers is the very colourful-looking man with the glasses and bad teeth -' ('Hey!' Austin yelled, offended) '- Ellie's the pink elephant, and NO, she's not a figment of our imaginations; Mumbo Jumbo is the thing with the skull for a head; Ozzy Osbourne is that man with the extremely long hair and a swearing problem -' ('Hey!' Ozzy yelled, offended) '- uh, the woman with the bunny ears is Sara-Marie; that guy with the pinstriped coat is Ray Martin; that guy you pulled out after me is Rove - wave, Rove! - the large red chocolate thing is Red; and that woman with the pink jacket is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo.'  
  
'So what yer all doin' here?' Hagrid asked.  
  
'We're trying to find a way over this mountain so we can find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully end this dream,' Link said.  
  
Hagrid stared at Link blankly.  
  
'Long story. Now why you here, Hagrid?'  
  
'I dunno. Don' even know how I got here, so I ain't much help.'  
  
'Course you can help!' Link jumped, suddenly getting an idea. 'You can help dig through this snow so we can get over the mountain.'  
  
'Uh... alrigh', but I'll be needin' some help.'  
  
'No problem,' Link said, patting his Fire Arrows.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, at the summit of the mountain...  
  
'Blow my Chilly Billy, blow!' Osama Bin-Laden commanded.  
  
'My name is Chilly WILLY, how many times do I have to tell you that?!' Chilly Willy the ice dragon snapped.  
  
'Fine, fine... I'll try to remember next time. [giggle]'  
  
'What? Is there something wrong with my name?'  
  
'[snort] There's nothing wrong, Chilly Wil-' Bin-Laden cracked up laughing.  
  
'Just because my name's Chilly Willy doesn't mean you can laugh at it!'  
  
'But it's [snort] funny!'  
  
'Hey, don't blame me, blame Rareware! They created me! And don't laugh or I'll turn you into a block of ice!'  
  
'Hem hem!' Umbridge interrupted.  
  
'What is it?' Bin-Laden asked, trying to straighten his face (with difficulty).  
  
'The jerks are approaching.'  
  
'Well I knew that already! Get back to your post and STOP WASTING MY VALUABLE REVENGE-PLOTTING TIME!!!!'  
  
'Yes sir,' Umbridge scowled in her fake-sweet voice before stomping back down the mountain.  
  
'Muahahaha, once I have gotten rid of that really insane group of idiots and their pathetic leader, Link, I will be free to take over "Wherever The Hell We Are", and soon after, the whole world!!' Bin-Laden laughed maniacally. He found his record player and put on a record which was meant to play glorifying music, but instead it played Mary Had A Little Lamb. 'Doh, must be the wrong side.' He flipped the record over and the glorifying music started playing.  
  
'MUAHAHAHA!!!!'  
  
'Er, yeah... mua, ha, ha, ha,' said Chilly Willy unenthusiastically.  
  
'-_- No, it's MUAHAHAHA!'  
  
'Uh... Mua ha ha ha.'  
  
'o_o; MUAHAHAHA!!'  
  
'Duh... Mua-ha ha-ha!'  
  
'o_O MUAHAHAHA!!!'  
  
'Um... Mua hahaha!'  
  
'O_O THAT'S NOT RIGHT YOU F***ING IDIOT! IT'S MUAHAHAHA!!!! GET IT?!'  
  
'Ah... Muahahaha. Good enough?'  
  
'Better. Needs practise.'  
  
  
  
It was about ten minutes later. Link and the group were walking through a large forest, when there was an odd sound.  
  
[cue odd sound]  
  
'What's that odd sound?' Link asked.  
  
'You should know, you've got giant pointy ears!' Author snapped.  
  
'No, YOU should know, YOU'RE writing this!'  
  
'Good point.'  
  
'S***, it looks like something from those f***ing Monty Python movies,' Ozzy groaned.  
  
'Ni!' came the odd sound. 'Ni! Ni! Ni!'  
  
'o_o; What IS that retarded thing?' Link asked, drawing his sword.  
  
'It's the Knights,' Rove whispered.  
  
'Knights? Knights of what?'  
  
'The Knights of -'  
  
But Rove was cut off by a loud 'Ni!'  
  
A large person in black armour strode up to the group from somewhere. 'Ni!'  
  
'So it's THAT thing that's sayi-' Link was interrupted by Rove again.  
  
'Ssssshh! You have to say who we are and where we're going or he'll NEVER let us pass!'  
  
Link walked up to the black-armoured knight, cleared his throat and said in his most formal manner, 'Erm... hello good sir. I am Link, Hero of Time, and this is my travelling group. We wish to leave this forest so we may hopefully cross over the mountain, as we are on a quest for the "mysterious hut", which will hopefully end this really weird dream.'  
  
'Ni!' the knight said. 'I am one of the Knights of Ni. You may not leave this forest until you find me... a SHRUBBERY (dun dun dun!). Ni!'  
  
Everyone drew back. 'You don't mean... a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.  
  
'Ni! Find a SHRUBBERY and you may leave. If you don't... NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI! NI!'  
  
Everyone flinched at the awful "Ni" sounds.  
  
'Alright, we'll go get your stupid SHRUBBERY!' Link yelled. 'Group huddle!'  
  
The group huddled into a tight circle.  
  
'Okay, anyone know where to find a SHRUBBERY?'  
  
'No,' Jennifer said.  
  
'SHRUBBERY no Mumbo have,' Mumbo grunted.  
  
'I don't even know what one is, to be sure, to be sure, Kooloo-Limpah!' Tingle shrieked.  
  
'A SHRUBBERY is just a nice bush. You know, kinda like what you'd find in hedge mazes,' Rove said knowledgeably.  
  
'How do you know so much about this Knight of Ni and the SHRUBBERY?' Link asked.  
  
'I watch Monty Python movies.'  
  
'I think I know where ter find a SHRUBBERY,' Hagrid said. 'But we'll be walkin' a fair mile.'  
  
'Whatever, just get me that SHRUBBERY,' Link yelled.  
  
  
  
Deeper into the forest...  
  
'Ah, 'ere it is.' Hagrid pointed to a small wooden log hut in front of them.  
  
'How can a log hut be a SHRUBBERY?' Link asked hysterically.  
  
'It's not. Just go in the hut.'  
  
Link and Hagrid entered the hut and somehow found themselves in Greenhouse Three at Hogwarts.  
  
'What are we doing HERE?!' Link asked hysterically.  
  
'Professa Sprout'll have a SHRUBBERY, I'm sure o' it. Oy, Professa Sprout!' Hagrid called.  
  
'Yes, Hagrid?' Sprout asked from nearby. She seemed to be watering a Venemous Tentacula.  
  
'Do yer have a SHRUBBERY? Link 'ere needs one.'  
  
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Dumbledore knows where to find one.'  
  
'Thanks Professa. Come 'un, Link.'  
  
  
  
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Office... Er, I Mean... Wait, Where's The Script? GIVE IT HERE, AUTHOR!  
  
No, You're Ripping It!  
  
I SAID GIVE IT HERE!  
  
Ask Nicely Then.  
  
[groan] Fine. Please Can I Have The Script?  
  
Sure!  
  
Thank You Author. Okay, What Does This Say?... Au-THOR!!!!  
  
What Now?!  
  
This Is The Script For [name of fanfic censored], Not For One Really Weird Dream!  
  
Well Don't Blame Me!  
  
Who Else Am I Going To Blame? My Game Boy?  
  
That's The Oldest Excuse In The Book.  
  
No It's Not, "My Dog Ate It" Is The Oldest Trick.  
  
You're Right, My Dog DID Eat It. The Script, I Mean.  
  
You Don't HAVE A Dog!  
  
Well Then Maybe It Was My Growlithe.  
  
Growlithes Are Pokémon. POKÉMON DON'T REALLY EXIST!  
  
Well Then Maybe It Was My Gelert.  
  
Gelerts Are Neopets. NEOPETS DON'T REALLY EXIST!  
  
Well Then Maybe It Was My... Uh... Wolfos.  
  
Since When Do You Have A Wolfos?  
  
Since Now. Ha.  
  
...I WANT ONE!  
  
Well You Can't Have One, Because WOLFOS DON'T REALLY EXIST!  
  
Author, Did You Know That Every Word We're Saying Right Now Is Being Written On The Page?!?!  
  
You Mean Being Typed Up On The Screen.  
  
Whatever. ...So Stop Talking And FIND THAT SCRIPT Or We'll Never Be Able To Get Back To The Main Story!  
  
Fine.  
  
  
  
~Ten Minutes Later~  
  
Found It! [holds up regurgitated script]  
  
Ewwwwwww... Give It Here! [snatches regurgitated script]  
  
Well I DID Say That My Dog Ate It... And Just WHO Didn't Believe Me?  
  
¬_¬ Grrrr.  
  
  
  
We Now Apologise For Any Injuries That May Have Occured While Falling Off Of Your Chair Laughing. Now Let's Get Back To The Story!  
  
  
  
Outside Professor Dumbledore's Gargoyle Statue That Will Jump Aside To Reveal A Staircase To His Office When The Correct Password Is Said...  
  
'What IS the new password?' Link asked.  
  
'It's Licorice Wand,' Hagrid said, and the stone gargoyle jumped aside so Hagrid and Link could go up the stairs.  
  
'Professa Dumbledore!' Hagrid yelled, banging his right fist on the door.  
  
'What is it, Hagrid?' Dumbledore asked impatiently, opening the door. Then he saw Link. 'Oh, Link! What are you doing here? Visiting, I hope? Come in, we can have a nice chat -'  
  
'We're in a hurry, Professor,' Link said urgently. Dumbledore's smile faded a little. 'Look, do you know where to find a SHRUBBERY that we could give to the Knights of Ni?'  
  
'A SHRUBBERY... I'm afraid I don't have one of those. Maybe Molly Weasley knows where to find one, I think she has some in her backyard.'  
  
'Oh. Thank you Professor, we've got to go. But I'll come back for a talk later, OK?' Link promised.  
  
  
  
Outside The Burrow...  
  
'Aaaahh!' Link stumbled over a chicken.  
  
'Yeh think yeh got problems, look at me,' Hagrid grumbled. He'd gotten the Weasleys' cauldron stuck on his boot.  
  
Link pulled the large pot off of Hagrid's gigantic shoe, then they both went over to the front door and knocked.  
  
'Hello?' Mrs. Weasley answered the door. 'OH! Hagrid and Link! Welcome! Come in, come in!'  
  
'Nice to see you, but we're in a kind of hurry,' Link said. 'We were wondering if you had a SHRUBBERY anywhere...'  
  
  
  
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~  
  
  
  
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~  
  
  
  
'Um... I might have a SHRUBBERY somewhere in the backyard, but I'll have to go look,' Mrs. Weasley said. She beckoned for Hagrid and Link to follow her.  
  
Mrs. Weasley flittered about the garden, trying to find a SHRUBBERY.  
  
'It seems that we -'  
  
  
  
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~  
  
  
  
~~~ INTERMISSION ~~~  
  
  
  
'- do have a SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley finished, frowning at the fact that she had just been cut off by an Intermission.  
  
'Hey look, it's not MY fault!' the Intermission yelled.  
  
~Shut up you Intermission, you're meant to be sitting there between those squiggly lines!~ Big Author snapped.  
  
'Oh fine...' the Intermission walked off.  
  
'Here is the SHRUBBERY,' Mrs. Weasley said, handing the plant to Link to hold. 'I suppose you have to leave now?'  
  
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' Link said. 'Come on Hagrid.'  
  
  
  
Outside Greenhouse Three At Hogwarts...  
  
'So where's the way BACK to "Wherever The Hell We Are"?' Link asked.  
  
'Is that what the place is called?' Hagrid asked.  
  
'Yes. And where is the warp?'  
  
'Under this Mandrake.' Hagrid pointed to a large Mandrake leaf.  
  
'Mandrake? An ADULT Mandrake?!... Din help me. Where can we get some earmuffs?'  
  
'Is there something wrong, Link?' Professor Sprout asked.  
  
'It's just that to get back to the place we were in before, we have to jump in the hole where that Mandrake is sitting,' Link said.  
  
'Oh. I'll get some earmuffs then.'  
  
Two seconds later, Sprout was back with three pairs of earmuffs. All three of them were pink and fluffy.  
  
'Aaaaaaaaaaahhh! Pink! I didn' ask fer that 'un!' Hagrid yelled.  
  
'I'll change them,' Link moaned, taking his and Hagrid's earmuffs and Transfiguring them with his wand so that they were blue. 'Better?'  
  
'Yep.'  
  
When Hagrid, Link and Sprout had put their earmuffs on, Sprout pulled the Mandrake out of the hole.  
  
Hagrid and Link waved bye to Sprout before jumping into the hole and falling back into "Wherever The Hell We Are".  
  
  
  
Back In "Wherever The Hell We Are"...  
  
'Unnnn... where am I?' Link asked dazedly.  
  
'Link! Did you get the SHRUBBERY?' Rove questioned.  
  
'What's a shrubbery?'  
  
'Don't play stupid, Link, we need that SHRUBBERY to give to the Knights of Ni so we can get through this forest and over the mountain.'  
  
'Link, wake up!' Hagrid said, shaking Link roughly.  
  
'Who's Link?' Link asked.  
  
'Who's Link?!' Rove repeated. 'You're Link, duh! Hero of Time or whatever they call you.'  
  
'I think he's sick,' Ozzy said.  
  
'Link's not sick,' Hagrid shook his head. 'He ain't disgustin' or stuff like that.'  
  
'No, I mean that this pretty-boy's got amnesia. He can't remember who the hell he is.'  
  
'That's the first useful thing you've said this chapter, Ozzy,' Author said. 'Isn't that amazing?'  
  
'Shut the hell up, you f***ing fairy.'  
  
'Hagrid, how did you get back here to "Wherever The Hell We Are"? I know you walked into a log hut which was really a warp to Hogwarts to get there, but...' Navi trailed off.  
  
'We had ter jump into a hole in Greenhouse Three. The hole was where a Mandrake was planted,' Hagrid said.  
  
'A Mandrake... Who took the Mandrake out?'  
  
'Professa Sprout. We were all wearin' earmuffs, see?' Hagrid pointed to his blue fluffy pair.  
  
'Wait, Link isn't wearing his earmuffs. What happened?'  
  
'Maybe they fell off while we were goin' through the warp. Link was holdin' the SHRUBBERY.'  
  
'Or maybe he thought that when he was in the warp, the Mandrake's cries wouldn't affect him.'  
  
'Who knows, but I think that's the case here.'  
  
'Which means that the Mandrake caused Link's amnesia. What if we found something or someone loud and annoying enough to yell into Link's ear, then he'd get rid of his amnesia?' Navi suggested.  
  
'Good idea. Okay, who here is loud and annoying enough?' Rove asked.  
  
'I'm loud, you mother-f***er,' Ozzy said.  
  
'I'm annoying, Kooloo-Limpah,' Tingle said.  
  
'I'm both, baby,' Austin said.  
  
'I can sing loud,' Jennifer said.  
  
'Mumbo make noise loud magic with,' Mumbo said.  
  
'Meow!' Noodles said.  
  
'I'm really loud,' Hagrid said.  
  
'I'm not loud, but I have really smelly breath,' Red said.  
  
'I'm annoying,' Navi said.  
  
'I can make really funny jokes,' Rove said.  
  
'I can trumpet my trunk loud,' Ellie said.  
  
'I can do all of those things and much more,' Author said.  
  
~I can do all of those things and WAY more than you can, Author,~ Big Author said.  
  
'I can do - wait, what CAN I do?' Link asked.  
  
'What are you all doing here?' an unfamiliar voice asked.  
  
'Who are you?' Link asked.  
  
'I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Who are you?' Aragorn asked.  
  
'Er -' Link started, but was cut off by Navi.  
  
'He's Link, the Hero of Time. I'm Navi, his guardian fairy; that other fairy is Author, she wrote this fanfic; the nutter with the big red nose is Tingle; the cat is Noodles; the crazy guy with the big black glasses is Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery; the pink elephant is Ellie; the skull thing is Mumbo Jumbo, best shaman in this fanfic; the punk-sorta guy is Ozzy Osbourne, he swears a lot; the woman with the fake bunny ears is Sara-Marie; the pinstriped-suit man is Ray Martin, host of the Australian A Current Affair TV show; the big red circle thing with arms and legs is Red; and the blondish woman is Jennifer Lopez, also known as J. Lo. Oh, and the big hairy giant guy is Hagrid. Any questions?'  
  
'Um... Fanfic? Man of Mystery?! Punk?!? Bunny ears?!?! TV?!?!?' Aragorn asked.  
  
'A fanfic is a story about something - usually a video game, TV show, movie or book - that has been written by someone. An International Man of Mystery, um... you'll have to ask Austin about that one. Punk -'  
  
'So what are you all doing here, stranded in this snowy pine forest?' Aragorn interrupted.  
  
'Well, it's kind of a long story,' Author replied. 'A flashback would take too long, so just flick back a few chapters and see what happened.'  
  
Aragorn stared blankly at Author and Navi.  
  
'Author, let me explain, I can do it better than you can,' Navi said. 'Link and I got stuck in "Wherever The Hell We Are", and we're trying to find the "mysterious hut" so we can hopefully get out of this really weird dream. Everyone else is just tagging along after us, since they don't have anywhere else to go or they want out of this dream too.'  
  
'I mean, why are you on the mountain?'  
  
'Um, well...' Navi explained the situation.  
  
'So Link has amnesia because he and Hagrid went to Hogwarts to get a SHRUBBERY for the Knights of Ni so you all can pass through the forest so you can get over the mountain to find the "mysterious hut" which will hopefully get you out of this dream. Rriigghhtt,' Aragorn said once Navi had finished.  
  
'We're trying to think of ways to snap Link out of it,' Navi said.  
  
'Well... what does he like most?'  
  
'He likes sword-fighting.'  
  
'Does he? Cool, I like sword-fighting too!' Aragorn laughed.  
  
'Maybe you could hit him on the head with your sword then.'  
  
'OK, I'll try. Just don't blame me if he gets a major concussion.'  
  
'Concussion? That would mean we'd have to wish for that crazy hospital again. The one with Dr. Mario and Dr. Evil and Dr. Hibbert and Nurse Joy - ugh.'  
  
Aragorn hit Link on the head with his sword.  
  
'Ow! That really hurt! Now I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a sharp metal object like that? Honestly?!' Link yelled, rubbing his head.  
  
'I didn't throw it,' Aragorn said.  
  
'I think we're going to have to resort to our original plan,' Navi said. 'We'll have to go find something really loud, annoying and dangerous to snap him out of his amnesia.'  
  
'But where are we going to find something like that?' Ray asked.  
  
'I reckon I know where to go... but it involves going INTO the mountain. Did you know it's really an active volcano?' Aragorn asked.  
  
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!'  
  
'Is there a dragon named Volvagia in there by any chance?' Navi asked.  
  
'Yep, and he's the one we're going to look for to cure Link's amnesia.'  
  
Everyone except Aragorn and Link yelled 'Holy c***!' again.  
  
'Well, dragons roar loud, don't they?'  
  
'Too right they do,' Navi said. 'Volvagia almost made me deaf last time we fought him.'  
  
'Okay, who's going to drag Link along to make him come?' Aragorn asked.  
  
Everyone (except Link and Aragorn) immediately pointed at Hagrid.  
  
'What? Just because I'm big and strong, yeh pick me? ...Oh fine,' Hagrid groaned, and he picked Link up and hefted him over his shoulder in a fireman's hold.  
  
'Hey, what are you doing to me?!' Link yelled. 'Let me go you f***ing idiot! Help! Somebody's trying to kidnap me! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!'  
  
'Shut up, I'm on'y forcin' yer to come with us to find Volvagia,' Hagrid said.  
  
'Have you realised that you haven't given us your SHRUBBERY yet?' a Knight of Ni asked.  
  
'Oh, uh, here it is, Sir Knight,' Hagrid said, picking up the SHRUBBERY and giving it to the Knight of Ni.  
  
'It's too small. Besides, now we are the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, and we want you to chop a tree down with this large fish. Eki eki eki!'  
  
'No way, we're going,' Author said. 'Hagrid, CHARGE!!!!'  
  
Hagrid pushed through the ranks of the Knights Who Formerly Said "Ni" And Now Say "Eki Eki Eki" Or Something Like That, making a huge path through them, and everyone else ran/flew over them.  
  
'Hey! Come back! You haven't chopped down a tree with our large fish yet!' the leader of the Knights yelled.  
  
'Too late, we're already gone!' Aragorn yelled as he ran. 'Ha-ha!'  
  
  
  
About half an hour later...  
  
'So this is the cave that we have to go into to find Volvagia?' Rove asked Aragorn.  
  
'Sure is. Follow me, peoples!'  
  
'WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!?!' Link yelled, still hung over Hagrid's shoulder.  
  
'Put a sock in it!' Navi snapped.  
  
'No, I have a better idea...' Author smiled mysteriously, and took out a roll of sticky tape.  
  
'Mmmmmmmrrrm***mrnmnfffffffmmmmmmmnnnnnnhffffff!' ~Get this f***ing sticky tape off me!~ Link yelled.  
  
'Oh great, you got that PokéDex s*** swearing again!' Ozzy groaned.  
  
'Shut up the lot of you, or I'll cut your goddamn heads off,' Aragorn growled. 'I'm not going to put up with this any longer. Now if you want to find Volvagia so we can un-amnesia Link, follow me and SHUT THE HELL UP!'  
  
'Good for you, Aragorn!' Author agreed. 'And by the way, houzhi nailao!'  
  
'What does "houzhi nailao" mean?!' everyone except Author asked.  
  
'It means "monkey cheese" in Chinese. Duh!'  
  
'o_O That's just scary.'  
  
'Good for you!'  
  
'SHUT UP OR I WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL!!!!' Aragorn yelled.  
  
'Sorry,' everyone apologized.  
  
'Look, we're going in NOW. NO MORE DELAYS.'  
  
'Besides, I don't know how much more I can fit into this Notepad file,' Author added.  
  
Everyone rolled their eyes.  
  
  
  
About another half hour later...  
  
'Ssssssssshhh! Inside here is Volvagia's lair,' Aragorn whispered. 'We have to be quiet or he'll wake up. Hagrid, come with me and bring Link with you. Everyone else, stay here.'  
  
Aragorn and Hagrid (with Link on his shoulder, waving his arms around in protest) tiptoed up to the sleeping dragon and gently placed Link right in front of Volvagia's big jaws.  
  
'Are you feeding me to this thing?!' Link yelled.  
  
'Sssssssssssshhhhh!' Hagrid hissed.  
  
'Hagrid, poke Volvagia,' Aragorn instructed.   
  
'You know,' Author said before Hagrid could do anything, 'I learnt something long ago. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Or at least that's what a dragon tamer told me.'  
  
'Too late, we've already meddled,' Hagrid said as he poked Volvagia.  
  
Volvagia sleepily opened one eye, and saw Link right in front of him.  
  
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I know you, you're that guy who killed me in the Fire Temple!~ Volvagia roared.  
  
'Geez, have you flossed lately?' was all that Link said.  
  
'Rrrrrrrooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~I am SOOOOO offended!~  
  
'Or at least have some Tic-Tacs.'  
  
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~What the hell are Tic-Tacs?~  
  
'I don't know.'  
  
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~Then why are you wasting my valuable time with comments about my bad breath? I wanna fight!~  
  
'I think he's talking to you,' Link hissed to Aragorn.  
  
'Link! Your sword!' Aragorn yelled as he and Hagrid backed away from Volvagia.  
  
'What? This sharp metal object that's strapped to my back?' Link asked as he pulled the sword out of its sheath.  
  
'Yeah, that thing! Wave it around a bit!'  
  
'Um, okay.' Link waved the sword around a bit. It clattered against Volvagia's scales, and he roared again.  
  
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~That hurt, you mother-f***in' s***head mental constipated idiot!~  
  
'Is that the best you can do?' Ozzy yelled from the doorway.  
  
'Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!' ~Is that a challenge?~  
  
'Uh, yeah, I guess it is.'  
  
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!' ~Bring it on, skanky!~  
  
'Link! Get out your Mirror Shield!' Aragorn and Navi yelled.  
  
'Shield? What the hell is that? Is it another sharp metal object?' Link asked.  
  
Aragorn slapped his head and took out the Mirror Shield for Link. 'This. Hold it in your right hand and swing the sword with your left. If Volvagia breathes fire, you can reflect it back at him using the shield.'  
  
While Ozzy was having a swearing contest with Volvagia, Link sneaked around to Volvagia's belly and stabbed the sword into the dragon's flesh.  
  
'RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!' ~GET THAT F***ING SWORD OUT OF MY HEART!!!!~ Volvagia roared the loudest yet, and breathed flame at Link, who hid beneath the Mirror Shield, but still got charred.  
  
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!' Link yelled, then he remembered what was happening. He was fighting Volvagia. He, Link, was fighting Volvagia, a dragon. Dragons breath fire. Fire gets put out by water.  
  
[lightglobe turns on in head] Link had an idea.  
  
'Go... Vaporeon! Starmie! Golduck! Sparky!' Link yelled, tossing four Poké Balls. 'Hydro Pump, all of you! Well... alright, Sparky - Electric Sword Tail!'  
  
'Hey look, Link's alright!' Ellie yelled. 'He hasn't got amnesia anymore!'  
  
'What did you say, Ellie?' Link asked.  
  
'Oh, nothing...'  
  
Vaporeon, Starmie and Golduck started spraying water on the evil dragon, while Sparky the Metal Pikachu (A/N: My creation, hehe) crouched, and orange flames started surrounding her tail. She charged up her electricity and then jumped at Volvagia, spinning around as she released the lightning bolt and magic spin from her metal tail.  
  
'What IS that?' Aragorn wondered.  
  
'I dunno,' Hagrid shrugged.  
  
Link then let go of his sword (leaving it stuck in Volvagia), took out the Megaton Hammer and drove the sword deeper into the dragon's heart.  
  
Volvagia staggered and flopped to the ground. 'Roar,' ~Don't kill me,~ he whimpered. 'Roar roar roar roooooaaar.' ~I was only trying to be nice.~  
  
'Roaring and breathing flame isn't the right way to be nice,' Link said.  
  
'Roar?' ~It's not?~  
  
'No. Look, if you stop trying to attack me, I'll heal you up and you can come with us so I can teach you how to be nice.'  
  
'Roar roar roaaar?' ~You'd do that for me?~  
  
'Sure I would.'  
  
'Roar roar roar rooooaaaarrrr.' ~That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.~  
  
'Then that's settled. By the way, what happened earlier? All I remember is jumping into a Mandrake hole with Hagrid and a giant SHRUBBERY...'  
  
'Um,' Navi said, looking distractedly around the cavern, 'nothing happened.'  
  
'Then why can't I remember whatever happened?'  
  
'Never mind.'  
  
'Roooooaaaarrr,' ~Hello! I need HELP here!~ Volvagia growled.  
  
'Oh, yeah. I wish for a doctor! A dragon doctor!' Navi said.  
  
'Hello, I'm Lance, Dragon trainer and Champion of the Elite Four,' a man said, walking into the cavern. 'As I understand it, your dragon Pokémon needs healing.'  
  
'Lance! What are you doing here?' Link asked.  
  
'Link, is that you?'  
  
'Sure is!'  
  
'Cool. Let me and Nurse Joy check our your Pokémon then,' Lance smiled. 'We'll do it for free.'  
  
'Volvagia isn't my dragon, and he DEFINITELY isn't a Pokémon.'  
  
Lance took one look at Volvagia and said, 'Holy s***, you're right.'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
New Characters In This Chapter, Part One  
  
Hagrid  
  
Chilly Willy (temporary)  
  
Knights of Ni (temporary)  
  
Professor Sprout (temporary)  
  
Professor Dumbledore (temporary)  
  
Molly Weasley (temporary)  
  
An Intermission (temporary... for now)  
  
Aragorn  
  
Volvagia  
  
Vaporeon, Golduck, Starmie and Sparky the Metal Pikachu, four of Link's Pokémon (temporary)  
  
Lance (from the Pokémon games; temporary)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Next Chapter: I Want My "Precious"! Part Two  
  
Link and co. now have to go back out of the mountain to get over it. But... there's a problem with that plan - Osama Bin-Laden and Chilly Willy are on top of the mountain. So the gang has to go through the tunnels in the mountain/active volcano to get to the other side. Trouble is, they've gotten lost.  
  
There's only one person who can save them now... and he wants his "precious" back.  
  
---  
  
Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
Due to the fact that the I Want My "Precious"! chapter is so long (and therefore has two parts), there will be no Super Fun Happy Hints until the end of Part Two. Sorry about this, folks.  
  
---  
  
Second Super Fun Happy Feature!  
  
Are there any Zelda-fic Authors who want to star in One Really Weird Dream? Just ask in a review or email (check my profile). I need at least four Authors (not including myself) before I write Chapter 7: The Annual Author Convention.  
  
---  
  
Look at moiye please, look at moiye, look at MOIYE... Now I have one word to say to you - Review please! Be nice :)   
  
Aw wait, that was four words and an emoticon... waaaah.  
  
PS: I was pretending to be Kath & Kim (the main characters of a comedy series on Australian ABC if you didn't know).  
  
~~~ 


End file.
